8/15/10
It is Sunday morning and we are motoring towards San Francisco. We should be tucked into a slip at Pier 39 in down town SF by late afternoon. It feels good to know that the hardest part of our first leg south is behind us.

Thursday we sailed through some pretty rough weather – I wrote all the details in my other blog (svislandbound.blogspot.com) so I won’t bore you with the details. What I need from you today is safe and appropriat place to share all my inside thoughts about the storm we encountered. A place to write about how I felt about what happened and the back story of the personalities that got shaken around in the storm.

Ever since I began writing my blog I have been worrying about how to write my own truths without hurting anyone’s feelings. You know, that inside your head voice that is closely attached to our AA ideal of restraint of pen and tongue? For good or bad there are some 125 people regularly reading the big blog and so I find a fine line between my truths and the potential for putting someone in a poor light.

So…a couple of things are pertinent about what happened during the storm. First Bill was running on a shortage of sleep. He finds it difficult to let go of control and this is his boat. Consequently he had not gotten more than an couple of uninterrupted hours of sleep here and there for three and a half days. He kept bopping up to the cockpit. Checking on me, checking on Ryan who is very green, checking on the weather, checking, checking, checking. To the point that I took him aside and suggested that ...."if he could tell that there wasn’t an emergency he needed to get some sleep because we all needed to know we could count on him IF there was a problem. Second Bill seemed to be very aware that he had extra people on the boat that he is responsible for. It is no small undertaking to go out on a big ocean –especially the North Pacific. Now all of a sudden he had to worry about the boat and me and his son and his nephew!

Third Josh, Bills son is one of our crew members. He has done a great deal of saling and is a huge asset to us on this trip. But he can have a sort of stinky attitude sometimes. He and Bill are a lot alike in many ways. Bill absolutely adores his son and Bill has very finite ideas of how things should be.. Over the hours aboard it was beginning to feel like there was a small war of personalities aboard. Sort of like two big dicks jockeying for top dog.

Josh has experience sailing and racing in Puget Sound but he has no experience on open water. Josh also has a unique view of the world. It seems based in a me vs everyone else in the world. For instance his views on music, he listens to a very eclectic range of music. Mostly spurning any kind of pop music, hates country “except the old “real” country.” And verbally issues negative comments about anyone who listens to anything else other than what he deems “good.” Somehow this has always rankled me. The music ideals ripples out into a very strong sense of either you are with him or you are against him. He loudly and regularly expounds on his rights and how no one is going to interfere with them while bashing anyone who doesn’t see things his way.

Me, I am an alcoholic. We seem to be…well…thin skinned and “delicate.” I have often taken it personally when he begins to state his narrow views. I get my feelings hurt and have been known to sulk about it. He on the other hand doesn’t seem to notice how small his world gets when he instantly rules out so many other people choices. In the past I have just declined to get involved and either remove myself or stay quiet. On this trip we have twice the usual number of people present in the same 44 available feet.


What happened in the storm felt like this…....Bill was so tired that he was overly worried. He was seeing a storm with different proportions than I. I on the other hand was not really worried. It was nasty yes but seemed like something that we just needed to get through. Admittedly perhaps I wasn’t looking at it clearly, we could have been in more danger than I could see.

Bill snapped a couple of times out of worry……but each time took the time to apologize. Josh kept giving advice and ideas. Sometimes Bill was asking sometimes not. By the time the captain had decided to run for the marina nerves were frayed in spite of the fact that everyone in their own way had been working hard to stay positive and upbeat. Josh had already made some comments about Bill not listening to his advice. As we motored toward the range markers that would lead us into the marina Bill asked if Josh could see the marked route in. The end result was Joshs said fuck you…..I am not a patsy…I cant stand it when people ask me for advice then don’t take it. Maybe if you cant manage this you shouldn’t be going off shore…..something broke in my heart and I couldn’t tell if it was breaking in either of theirs………

By the time we got to shore I was pretty sure Josh was going to say he was leaving. We walked to dinner and afterwards Josh decided to take a walk while everyone else just wanted to fall into bed. The next morning again I figured he was going to say he was leaving. Instead he choose to walk the town while everyone else worked to get the boat cleaned and repaired. The rest of that day and the next Josh was barely speaking to anyone but Ryan. But I could definitely pick up lots of under his breath mutterings and negativity.

For my feelings, by the time we got in all I could feel was a great deal of love and compassion and gratitude for Bill. I held his hand on the way to and from dinner and every time we walked any place in the tiny town. I thanked him for taking care of us and I told him I was proud of him. I also remember that a couple of times I agreed with Josh not Bill. But I also saw that the choices Bill made were sound. (There is often more than one answer to a situation.) I didn’t agree with everything but I didn’t disagree enough to make it an issue either. In fact I quess I see it as he is the captain and short of saying no You idiot…your not listening there is a fucking ice berg in front of you…..I think what we are doing requires that one person be the decision maker…..hopefully open to input but ultimately one decider.

Josh is so emotionally invested in being right that the whole concept of needing to support decisions was lost. …………………………………………………………………………………He was so angry that he acted like a teenager. And he is so sure he is right and his father is wrong that it feels like a big break.

What I have been doing since to try and get right with it all is one, continue to support Bill. I was not disappointed and in fact the process of his apologizing shows me that he is very interested in doing whats right. And two, praying for Josh. I pray that his heart can open to some understanding that everyone has a right to have opinions and choices in life. I pray that he continue to remain passionate about his own life. Passionate about what he loves and finds value in and praying that God can open his heart to an understanding that everyone has a right and a need to be passionate about their own choices and loves in this world. I pray that he and his father can find some solid ground filled with pride, love and support. That they can continue to look up to each other and to feel like they are the us in this world of us vs them. Because being a part of something is a strength and a comfort to everyone in the world.

Love Kat

PS We are now safely in SF. I was able to take some time...now away from the emotions of the moment to tell Bill how I felt...from not always agreeing.....and not seeing the storm as such a huge thing right away.....and my response to Joshs reactions.....how it felt like Josh was so highly invested in being right ....and his often clear inability to see others sides of things.....all of it came out in a loving and supportive manner..... in a voice that was accepted as supporting and not condeming......and...I will keep praying for Josh just as I will continue my prayers for direction of my own. kat