Merry Christmas everyone,
We are near Puerta Vallarta and it is lovely here. The marina is full of other cruisers and we are beginning friendships one couple at a time. We passed the tropic of cancer on our way here and are now officially in the tropics.
Today was the first Christmas I have ever spent away from my family and the first Christmas in more than 20 years that I havn't been packed up to head to the family cabin near Chinook Pass for the week between Christmas and New Years. Everything in my life is different today except for being sober.
This is a year of beginnings. We are beginning to make our own new traditions and finding a way to celebrate without so many of the things we take for granted in the states. Last night we attended mass in a small Catholic church here in La Cruz. We arrived early and the church was nearly empty. In the next thirty minutes it filled to capacity and then spilled out into the court yard. Bill gave up his seat to an elderly woman and so spent his time standing with a hundred other latecomers in the coolness of the dark courtyard. I didnt understand but every tenth word but somehow managed to follow along well enough. Stand up, sit down, kneel, hum along to an unknown tune. The church had big open windows along both sides of the sanctuary with little boy fingers gripping the bars and peering inside to watch the show. the language problem didnt interfear at all with the sense of peace and serenity that filled me as i sat watching the crowd take communion.
Tonight we went into town and attended a community event. Fifty pesos apiece and a potluck dish bought us two seats and all the turkey we could eat. The community -local expats and more than a hundred cruisers- came together to bring presents to the local children. After dinner and while the band was playing the children began to line up outside: girls to the left and boys to the right. The community managed to collect more than 1500 presents for slightly more than 400 kids. The kids were wiggling with excitment but quiet and patient. Every child recieved one large present and a bag filled with goodies and every one had a chance to talk to Santa Claus!
This year somehow the whole present thing escaped us. I knew I wasnt going to try and send gifts home (its virtually impossible to ship things into or out of the country here)but it totally slipped my mind to think about a gift for Bill. I also didnt have a tree for the first time in my life. Instead I hung garland and tiny ornaments inside the boat. The gift giving lapse somehow was upsetting to me and I told Bill that next year we needed to take the time to exchange gifts even if it was something small. There is something wonderful about giving a gift and I missed that. Finding just the right thing for someone is as much for the giver as for the receiver. I did manage to buy my first Christmas ornament of the season. Its a tiny clay Santa bell and my hope is to begin a tradition of buying an ornament in every new country we reach. Maybe the lack of a single gift only seemed important to me because of the loss of so many other traditions and missing my family too? It did feel right though to give away a sizeable bit of cash that went to the local kids here and in Mazatlan. It felt like money better spent. It was easy to tell that here and in Mazatlan not a dime was going to go to waste. Too many feet to put shoes on and too many mouth to feed for there to be anything lost in the translation.
I dont know when I will stop missing my family or when we will have enough new traditions to feel concrete but I do know that the people we have been meeting along the way are giving us a great gift with their time and their friendships. We are slowly beginning to feel a part of. And for this alcoholic being a part of is paramount. That is why when I make it to AA anywhere any time there is almost always a wonderful sense of peace that I experience. I can walk into a room of AA and I am instantly a part of. That paradox of being accepted and loved for the very thing that I was ashamed of for so very long. I belong and I have my own experience strength and hope that I bring along with me. It is a blessing to be here, to have the freedomn to travel and explore and to carry that strength with me along the way.
Merry Christmas to you all. I hope the holiday season finds you full of peace and serenity and that all of us have the chance to share it with others and to appreciate being a part of something greater than ourselves. Today someday will be our own piece of how different it used to be...years ago in AA. Love kat
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Another kind of being of service
I haven’t had the opportunity to attend a meeting since Avalon on Catalina and that seems like forever ago. And though we are definitely within the cruising pack I have yet to have any AA encounters due to my flag. For those who don’t know I had a flag made before we left home –Big Book blue with the AA triangle/circle symbol embroidered in white.
I did have another chance to carry the message though. So as we are making friends along the way I usually tell people I am in recovery given the time and the right situation. I don’t introduce myself “hi my name is Kat and I am a drunk” but it does usually come up once we have more than a few encounters with people. As a result of that I had another couple ask me some pretty serious questions about a friend’s problems with alcohol.
While this doesn’t give me the instant gratification of running into another living breathing recovering alcoholic it does offer me the opportunity to share my experience strength and hope in a sort of CPC or PI kind of way. In this latest instance all I could really offer was that it wasn’t hopeless that there is recovery available and it does work for millions of people. Plus some suggestions to make contact with a real professional for guidance in helping the alcoholic see too that there was an alternative.
Doesn’t it still amaze you how many drunks really don’t know there is hope? Too many have never met anyone who had the same problem but who found a new way of life and become their own miracle.
So, who knows what will happen in the life of the man in question. But hopefully his friends now have some idea of choices they can make and information to pass on to the family if they want to seek help for him and for themselves.
Other than that, what’s happening in my life? Well the biggest roadblocks in my recovery are long passages. When we do a multi day passage my whole routine gets out of whack. We have not done any long passages (weeks’ long passages across oceans.) The two-three day passages are just long enough to get your mind just begging for sleep and not long enough to establish a routine. So what are the first things to fall out of rhythm? My daily reading, my back exercises and my daily meditation. Then with the loss of those and the concurrent loss of serenity my attitude gets dicey.
Then everything affects me on a level of reaction instead of deliberate action and everything begins to fall apart. Add in to that a increased stress level with equipment failures and the unknowns of entering our first “real” foreign country (BC doesn’t really count) and then my back tightens up, my pain level increases and I cant sleep which is what I need more than anything. It’s all cyclical. I DO find myself praying a good deal which is good but I would bet my HP would rather I came seeking answers and acknowledging gratitude than in the desperation of “please, help me start my day over,” “help me not kill Bill for being such a Neanderthal” and “oh shits, get us out of this.”
The odd part of this that always strikes me is that when I am drinking and using I am the last person to need and want routine and order. I seem to seek out chaos and disorder. But in recovery I have found that routine offers me a grace. Order gives me solace and serenity. When I fill my life with them I find the freedom to be who I think I am supposed to be. Instead of a woman of intent I become a woman with choice and result and happiness. My mind flourishes and my HP offers me what I never even could have dreamed of.
Thanks for being here for me. Kat
I did have another chance to carry the message though. So as we are making friends along the way I usually tell people I am in recovery given the time and the right situation. I don’t introduce myself “hi my name is Kat and I am a drunk” but it does usually come up once we have more than a few encounters with people. As a result of that I had another couple ask me some pretty serious questions about a friend’s problems with alcohol.
While this doesn’t give me the instant gratification of running into another living breathing recovering alcoholic it does offer me the opportunity to share my experience strength and hope in a sort of CPC or PI kind of way. In this latest instance all I could really offer was that it wasn’t hopeless that there is recovery available and it does work for millions of people. Plus some suggestions to make contact with a real professional for guidance in helping the alcoholic see too that there was an alternative.
Doesn’t it still amaze you how many drunks really don’t know there is hope? Too many have never met anyone who had the same problem but who found a new way of life and become their own miracle.
So, who knows what will happen in the life of the man in question. But hopefully his friends now have some idea of choices they can make and information to pass on to the family if they want to seek help for him and for themselves.
Other than that, what’s happening in my life? Well the biggest roadblocks in my recovery are long passages. When we do a multi day passage my whole routine gets out of whack. We have not done any long passages (weeks’ long passages across oceans.) The two-three day passages are just long enough to get your mind just begging for sleep and not long enough to establish a routine. So what are the first things to fall out of rhythm? My daily reading, my back exercises and my daily meditation. Then with the loss of those and the concurrent loss of serenity my attitude gets dicey.
Then everything affects me on a level of reaction instead of deliberate action and everything begins to fall apart. Add in to that a increased stress level with equipment failures and the unknowns of entering our first “real” foreign country (BC doesn’t really count) and then my back tightens up, my pain level increases and I cant sleep which is what I need more than anything. It’s all cyclical. I DO find myself praying a good deal which is good but I would bet my HP would rather I came seeking answers and acknowledging gratitude than in the desperation of “please, help me start my day over,” “help me not kill Bill for being such a Neanderthal” and “oh shits, get us out of this.”
The odd part of this that always strikes me is that when I am drinking and using I am the last person to need and want routine and order. I seem to seek out chaos and disorder. But in recovery I have found that routine offers me a grace. Order gives me solace and serenity. When I fill my life with them I find the freedom to be who I think I am supposed to be. Instead of a woman of intent I become a woman with choice and result and happiness. My mind flourishes and my HP offers me what I never even could have dreamed of.
Thanks for being here for me. Kat
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
10/16
Hi,
We spent the last 12days in Newport Beach. The longest we have stayed in any one place since leaving home in May. Too bad it wasn’t because we loved the place. In fact it was the singularly least welcoming place we have been too. Newport Beach is in Orange County, otherwise known as The OC. Evidently made famous by a hugely popular television program. I can’t vouch for the TV show as we have never seen it since we haven’t owned a TV since moving aboard in January of 2007. But there are reminders and references all over the Newport Beach area and what I have gathered from all the references is that it is a show devoted to a place filled with the worlds beautiful people and their excesses.
Our new friends (and fellow AA members)Liz and Chris whom we met on Catalina Island were the first ones to mention Orange County. They stated that they lived in OC for many years and that they were delighted to be out after their move to San Pedro. They talked about the differences they experienced and that people in OC were self absorbed and materialistic. We could relate to their happiness at being somewhere “much better” yet not having been there it was hard to understand what they meant. Then we spent time there.
Amazingly the friendliness or lack of even penetrated the walls of Orange County AA. I attended three meetings while we were there –all at the same Alano Club. One I attended alone – a womans meeting- not one person spoke to me. Not one. These women did not even meet my gaze. I introduced myself as from out of town and also as celebrating my 8th birthday this month. Nothing. Not a “congratulations” or a single “welcome.” Bill and I attended two other meetings together and they were marginally better. One a fellow came up after and momentarily spoke with Bill. The other meeting a woman who I had seen at a previous meeting spoke to me in the ladies room and then spoke with Bill and I for a minute or two afterwards. For every meeting we arrived early and stayed after. Each meeting we announced when asked that we were from out of town and I shared that it was my birthday month.
In all the meetings I have every attended this was the single least friendly place I have been. I have been to meetings all over Washington, all up and down the BC coast and interior, Alaska, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Mexico, Hawaii, Oregon, Tahiti and the Bahamas. It isn’t California because I was welcomed in Santa Barbara and Catalina, Marina Del Rey and Ventura. It made me miss the women from my home group and it made me feel very sad that they don’t even know what they are missing.
For today I am happy we are heading back to Catalina where I know I will be welcomed and "a part of" the moment I walk in the door of their little meeting place. I am grateful for all the friendship I have found in recovery, grateful for the places I have not been yet and the people I will meet along the way. I am grateful for Liz and Chris and the fellowship they so generously offered us and I pray that there IS fellowship in OC and I just missed it.
kat
We spent the last 12days in Newport Beach. The longest we have stayed in any one place since leaving home in May. Too bad it wasn’t because we loved the place. In fact it was the singularly least welcoming place we have been too. Newport Beach is in Orange County, otherwise known as The OC. Evidently made famous by a hugely popular television program. I can’t vouch for the TV show as we have never seen it since we haven’t owned a TV since moving aboard in January of 2007. But there are reminders and references all over the Newport Beach area and what I have gathered from all the references is that it is a show devoted to a place filled with the worlds beautiful people and their excesses.
Our new friends (and fellow AA members)Liz and Chris whom we met on Catalina Island were the first ones to mention Orange County. They stated that they lived in OC for many years and that they were delighted to be out after their move to San Pedro. They talked about the differences they experienced and that people in OC were self absorbed and materialistic. We could relate to their happiness at being somewhere “much better” yet not having been there it was hard to understand what they meant. Then we spent time there.
Amazingly the friendliness or lack of even penetrated the walls of Orange County AA. I attended three meetings while we were there –all at the same Alano Club. One I attended alone – a womans meeting- not one person spoke to me. Not one. These women did not even meet my gaze. I introduced myself as from out of town and also as celebrating my 8th birthday this month. Nothing. Not a “congratulations” or a single “welcome.” Bill and I attended two other meetings together and they were marginally better. One a fellow came up after and momentarily spoke with Bill. The other meeting a woman who I had seen at a previous meeting spoke to me in the ladies room and then spoke with Bill and I for a minute or two afterwards. For every meeting we arrived early and stayed after. Each meeting we announced when asked that we were from out of town and I shared that it was my birthday month.
In all the meetings I have every attended this was the single least friendly place I have been. I have been to meetings all over Washington, all up and down the BC coast and interior, Alaska, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Mexico, Hawaii, Oregon, Tahiti and the Bahamas. It isn’t California because I was welcomed in Santa Barbara and Catalina, Marina Del Rey and Ventura. It made me miss the women from my home group and it made me feel very sad that they don’t even know what they are missing.
For today I am happy we are heading back to Catalina where I know I will be welcomed and "a part of" the moment I walk in the door of their little meeting place. I am grateful for all the friendship I have found in recovery, grateful for the places I have not been yet and the people I will meet along the way. I am grateful for Liz and Chris and the fellowship they so generously offered us and I pray that there IS fellowship in OC and I just missed it.
kat
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sunset rainbow
It was the evening after our first Santa Anna winds and we were relaxing with Adam and Cindy aboard Bravo (a Peterson sister ship) who we knew from E-dock back home. (Yea the southbound group really is finally catching up with us!) The sun was setting as the winds finally began to die. We all got quiet as the sky began turning a thousand shades of pink, red, and gold. Soon the whole sky glowed with brilliant color that wrapped over us dipping west behind the hills of Catalina while to the east a sunset rainbow dripped its magical colors into the sea off our bow. The long arc hung there as the skies darkened. Moments of silence passed between us as the color fell out of the sky and the steep winding lanes of Avalon fell into darkness. We looked at each other smiling at the beauty we shared then quickly dropped back into our conversation and back into our world. Love, kat
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
9/29 Catalina Island
It is just a few days away from the first of October and officially my birthday month. I have not had a drink since 10/23/2002. Simply fucking amazing. I am looking forward to celebrating the whole month. Birthdays have always been important to me but also somehow egotistical to celebrate for the whole month but it is the way “we” do it. This year I guess it will be even more important to celebrate the month since I am not likely to be at more than a small number of meetings. I hope I stumble into a meeting that does coins because I would love to have my 8yr coin to slide into my life jacket. I have one there already from a friend. It seemed like the prefect place to keep a coin. I no longer own a jewelry box but then again my jewelry box has contained so many coins – AA, NA, treatment center, 24hr coins, plastic fobs, in all my years of success and failure I have always kept my coins. Then we left for good and out went the jewelry box and out when the old coins and mementos.
My birthday month is always a good time to look back and take stock, an inventory of sorts to see where I stand. My numerous failures at recovery have often left me wishing and wondering about the lost years. I tried to add up my sober time while laying in bed recently. Not all in a row mind you but some how since 1983 I have managed to be sober a total of approximately 19 yrs.
19 out of 27 sounds pretty good but it discounts the seven years of hell I have willingly volunteered for again and again. Plus it completely disregards the years than led up to the moment I was first told I was an alcoholic and an addict. I can still remember being admitted to Care Unit of Kirkland. It was all rather hoity toity. They brought orange juice to my bedside table, had a pickle ball court and lovely grounds that i could only stare at while they stuck me in “Jammie Land” for three days of detox.
I was lost and alone, scared and I knew nothing about addiction, recovery or AA. When they did my intake asking me dozens of questions about my past “use” it seemed ludicrous. After all didn’t everyone start using cocaine at 15? Didn’t everyone drink hard liquor by the bottle? So what that I ended up flying off a cliff in a Chevy Malibu the first time I used coke? Whats 40days in traction? Doesn’t every ones friends sneak into the hospital through the ER to help them get stoned while stuck there in that bed? Didn’t everyone drink and use like me.
They told me then I was an early late stage alcoholic. Me? OK,OK, OK, so maybe there was a problem and maybe I needed to quite all those hard drugs. But hell, I had only been drinking legally for less than a year. Surely I could learn to drink like a lady. It never occurred to me that I would have a problem staying clean. After all they made it sound pretty simple. One day at a time. Go to these weird and strange meetings full of ~ugh~ old people and everything will be fine. I didn’t make it 6 months.
Well, hopefully I am able now to see the futility of every thinking that a drink wont hurt me. Two nights ago we were in Twin Harbors. We had just finished dinner at an outdoor restaurant/bar. We had been there before and it was pretty benign. That evening though as i stood in line to get a refill on my diet coke i watched as the bar tender poured a drink. One of those thick, icy drinks. He topped it with whip cream then a floater of Kahlua, a sprinkle of nutmeg and a cherry. I suspect if i could have seen my face in a mirror i would have looked mesmerized, mouth half open, eyes sort of dull and staring as the bartender poured. I snapped out of it in a heart beat and returned to our table.
Now we have had several meals here and it has never hit me this way before. But looking around I saw most of the tables full, everyone else was drinking, Sunday football was on the tv screens and everyone else seemed to be having a great time in the noise and the "fun" of the place. I just quietly said to Bill......"this place is a little too bary can we head back to the boat? So we did. The thing about this that is important for me to look at is that there will be a lot of places I go as we travel along where I need to make a choice. I already know that its not good for me to hang out in slippery places. At home i followed some simple things. I dont order food cooked with alcohol. I dont eat in the bar- I can always wait for a table and I dont hang out with people who drink unless I have a good legitimate reason for being there and even then I always try to plan an out if i need to. After so long maybe you would think it should be easier and your right for the most part I just dont worry about it because I am just not around it.
But this is a new way of life and I will be constantly confronted with new people places and things. For me alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I have no misconceptions. I know that my disease is waiting patiently for me wherever I go. My right mind knows what to do and how to do it calmly and easily. But that is not enough..because sometimes I am not in my right mind.
So it helps to talk about it and it helps to look at it clearly. Plus i went to a meeting last night. Embraced once again into the fold. When I explained what that drink looked like and what my mind went through in that mili second everyone in the room was nodding and um hu-ing. That is where I am at home and where I find the wisdom to remember that it has been a long time since my last drink.
Thanks for listening, hugs, kat
My birthday month is always a good time to look back and take stock, an inventory of sorts to see where I stand. My numerous failures at recovery have often left me wishing and wondering about the lost years. I tried to add up my sober time while laying in bed recently. Not all in a row mind you but some how since 1983 I have managed to be sober a total of approximately 19 yrs.
19 out of 27 sounds pretty good but it discounts the seven years of hell I have willingly volunteered for again and again. Plus it completely disregards the years than led up to the moment I was first told I was an alcoholic and an addict. I can still remember being admitted to Care Unit of Kirkland. It was all rather hoity toity. They brought orange juice to my bedside table, had a pickle ball court and lovely grounds that i could only stare at while they stuck me in “Jammie Land” for three days of detox.
I was lost and alone, scared and I knew nothing about addiction, recovery or AA. When they did my intake asking me dozens of questions about my past “use” it seemed ludicrous. After all didn’t everyone start using cocaine at 15? Didn’t everyone drink hard liquor by the bottle? So what that I ended up flying off a cliff in a Chevy Malibu the first time I used coke? Whats 40days in traction? Doesn’t every ones friends sneak into the hospital through the ER to help them get stoned while stuck there in that bed? Didn’t everyone drink and use like me.
They told me then I was an early late stage alcoholic. Me? OK,OK, OK, so maybe there was a problem and maybe I needed to quite all those hard drugs. But hell, I had only been drinking legally for less than a year. Surely I could learn to drink like a lady. It never occurred to me that I would have a problem staying clean. After all they made it sound pretty simple. One day at a time. Go to these weird and strange meetings full of ~ugh~ old people and everything will be fine. I didn’t make it 6 months.
Well, hopefully I am able now to see the futility of every thinking that a drink wont hurt me. Two nights ago we were in Twin Harbors. We had just finished dinner at an outdoor restaurant/bar. We had been there before and it was pretty benign. That evening though as i stood in line to get a refill on my diet coke i watched as the bar tender poured a drink. One of those thick, icy drinks. He topped it with whip cream then a floater of Kahlua, a sprinkle of nutmeg and a cherry. I suspect if i could have seen my face in a mirror i would have looked mesmerized, mouth half open, eyes sort of dull and staring as the bartender poured. I snapped out of it in a heart beat and returned to our table.
Now we have had several meals here and it has never hit me this way before. But looking around I saw most of the tables full, everyone else was drinking, Sunday football was on the tv screens and everyone else seemed to be having a great time in the noise and the "fun" of the place. I just quietly said to Bill......"this place is a little too bary can we head back to the boat? So we did. The thing about this that is important for me to look at is that there will be a lot of places I go as we travel along where I need to make a choice. I already know that its not good for me to hang out in slippery places. At home i followed some simple things. I dont order food cooked with alcohol. I dont eat in the bar- I can always wait for a table and I dont hang out with people who drink unless I have a good legitimate reason for being there and even then I always try to plan an out if i need to. After so long maybe you would think it should be easier and your right for the most part I just dont worry about it because I am just not around it.
But this is a new way of life and I will be constantly confronted with new people places and things. For me alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I have no misconceptions. I know that my disease is waiting patiently for me wherever I go. My right mind knows what to do and how to do it calmly and easily. But that is not enough..because sometimes I am not in my right mind.
So it helps to talk about it and it helps to look at it clearly. Plus i went to a meeting last night. Embraced once again into the fold. When I explained what that drink looked like and what my mind went through in that mili second everyone in the room was nodding and um hu-ing. That is where I am at home and where I find the wisdom to remember that it has been a long time since my last drink.
Thanks for listening, hugs, kat
Sunday, September 26, 2010
9/26 Need a meeting
I have been owly and tense all day. What I really need is a meeting. Unfortunately there isn't one here. At all. Tomorrow, IF Bill doesn't change his mind again we will be in Avalon and they have meetings there. But until then I just feel off. So I came here to write and I wrote a long email to my friend Barbara. This morning I prayed and read half of a grapevine. Plus i picked up a daily devotional on from a pile of used books the other day and I have been reading it each day. It is a 2009 book but i figure if it would work in 2009 it couldn't be so terribly off one year later. And hey it was free! I am still pretty much grasping at straws here trying to stay connected to AA.
I got an invite through LIM (Loners and Internationalists meeting) to join an email meeting. I just joined and it might be a good new addition. Unfortunately it means a lot of stuff in my in box. They are a prolific group. And as much as I appreciate the choice and the chance I am not sure it will work out. For two reasons. 1. When stuff comes in to my inbox I have a hard time not getting involved. So i am compelled to write back. We are actually trying to sort of drop out. That is part of the draw of doing this thing. Already I am spending a great deal of time writing......for two blogs and an ever increasing amount of personal correspondence. It is all good. In fact I am more connected to some of the extended members of my family than before we left. And i am writing to several LIM members and all the rest. 2. Once we leave CA we will be paying for every byte we send and receive. SO I just simply cant have a full box everytime I open my email. I value my emails from friends and family so much that I may have to call it quits with the email AA meeting. They just send out so much stuff.
Well, this was all just a bunch of blathering. Not much of any substance just a way to connect. I miss my regular meetings and I miss the sober women in my life. Night.
I got an invite through LIM (Loners and Internationalists meeting) to join an email meeting. I just joined and it might be a good new addition. Unfortunately it means a lot of stuff in my in box. They are a prolific group. And as much as I appreciate the choice and the chance I am not sure it will work out. For two reasons. 1. When stuff comes in to my inbox I have a hard time not getting involved. So i am compelled to write back. We are actually trying to sort of drop out. That is part of the draw of doing this thing. Already I am spending a great deal of time writing......for two blogs and an ever increasing amount of personal correspondence. It is all good. In fact I am more connected to some of the extended members of my family than before we left. And i am writing to several LIM members and all the rest. 2. Once we leave CA we will be paying for every byte we send and receive. SO I just simply cant have a full box everytime I open my email. I value my emails from friends and family so much that I may have to call it quits with the email AA meeting. They just send out so much stuff.
Well, this was all just a bunch of blathering. Not much of any substance just a way to connect. I miss my regular meetings and I miss the sober women in my life. Night.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
9/17 Lesson: Let go and let God.
Good Morning,
Sometimes I just need to get out of my own way and let God give me what I need. When I sit down to write to you at my AA blog it is starting to feel like it does when I walk into a meeting. That moment of "ahhhhhhh, I am home, in the rooms I call home." I have always loved the way that hits me and it rarely fails to fall over me no matter what meeting I am attending. Now that I am traveling I have a tendency to get excited at the prospect of getting to a meeting. I look forward to being there and look forward to being the one who gets to answer when they ask "is there anyone here from outside the area." Admitting my ego here too because it is highly likely that they are going to be wonderfully welcoming and I get to be the celebrity of the hour. (An alcoholic with an ego who would have thunked."
We are in Avalon, Catalina Island and I was lucky enough to be able to attend a women’s meeting. It was small and personal and I got to keep my ego in check because their format didn’t ask for visitors. During some months they're inundated with visitors and the home group members are few. Perhaps it is a way they have devised to keep the ebb and flow of the fellowship in some equilibrium.. In Alaska they are literally dying for visitors and in Avalon the fellowship may actually be damaged by the over flow. Hmm. Hard to tell.....maybe in fact it is just how it is supposed to be. Anyway, the meeting was small and intimate and like a breath of air to me.
Catalina had been wonderful for us. A great break. With no family and no visitors coming we have been able to really relax. And in that relaxation and pause I received a huge gift. There was a boat on the mooring ball next to us that we spoke to for a few minutes. Liz and Chris. I instantly felt like I wanted to talk with them some more but we had to run off because the dive shop was holding a time to inspect and fill one of our tanks. We didn’t see them later in the day but I was hopeful that we would talk again.
The next morning I woke up and looked out and their boat was gone. Shit. Well, OK, that’s too bad. Later in the morning we headed in to town planning on getting some breakfast and checking for our mail. As we arrived at the dingy dock the two of them were just grabbing an open spot. As we were trying to tie up Liz tried to help and promptly lost her footing on the rolling dock and nearly tumbled into the bay. She managed to stay dry by performing a surprisingly agile dock dismount - stepping into another tied dink rather than falling into the bay. Since I am the grand pooh bah of klutz I instantly adored her. And with that we decided we should definitely go do breakfast.
We talked for hours about boating. Living on boats, working on boats, buying boats , boats, boats boats. Oh and diving and where we live, what we do.............blah, blah, blah. At the end of the visit we were standing on the sidewalk making plans to have dinner on their boat. As we were about to depart they said oh, we have a dry boat so if you want something to drink its BYOB. NO problem.......... the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up.
We met a few hours later and had a wonderful meal and talked for 3 1/2 hours before we all moved to our boat for a tour. As we sat around the table talking it came up in passing. I told them I was in recovery and they both just smiled. They said when we answered them at breakfast about not drinking they figured we were in recovery. Saying there usually are only two kinds of people who answer the way we did.......recovering alcoholics and highly religious people. Since we hadn’t come across as the highly religious types their guess was on fellow AA’ers.
These are the first people I have met in recovery on this trip who came from out of context. They weren’t at an AA meeting and I still found them. Or they found me. And I like them. Really like them. We have so much in common it is sort of spooky.
So the lesson I am learning here, that keeps being placed in front of me is this: When I let my fears over rule I end up in a place of worry and fear that I won’t be able to do this whole sail around the world thing AND stay sober and connected to the fellowship. But if I look for ways to be in recovery where I am, look for ways to carry the message and be of service then God will and does lead me into fellowship. It mostly doesn’t look like it did at home……and it will likely get even more different before it gets to be “normal” but my HP isn’t letting me fall and hasn’t left me out here all alone.
They also dive so right now we are following them to Emerald Bay to spend a few days diving and visiting and sharing a few meals. I am in heaven. I am trying to stay in the moment and appreciate the gift in my lap and not worry about the fact that they will be staying behind in San Pedro while we go on to Mexico. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I need to trust that God will give me what I need. I will make new friends and find all the fellowship I need. All I need to do is be open and willing to carry my own experience strength and hope…the rest is all gravy.
Love, kat
Sometimes I just need to get out of my own way and let God give me what I need. When I sit down to write to you at my AA blog it is starting to feel like it does when I walk into a meeting. That moment of "ahhhhhhh, I am home, in the rooms I call home." I have always loved the way that hits me and it rarely fails to fall over me no matter what meeting I am attending. Now that I am traveling I have a tendency to get excited at the prospect of getting to a meeting. I look forward to being there and look forward to being the one who gets to answer when they ask "is there anyone here from outside the area." Admitting my ego here too because it is highly likely that they are going to be wonderfully welcoming and I get to be the celebrity of the hour. (An alcoholic with an ego who would have thunked."
We are in Avalon, Catalina Island and I was lucky enough to be able to attend a women’s meeting. It was small and personal and I got to keep my ego in check because their format didn’t ask for visitors. During some months they're inundated with visitors and the home group members are few. Perhaps it is a way they have devised to keep the ebb and flow of the fellowship in some equilibrium.. In Alaska they are literally dying for visitors and in Avalon the fellowship may actually be damaged by the over flow. Hmm. Hard to tell.....maybe in fact it is just how it is supposed to be. Anyway, the meeting was small and intimate and like a breath of air to me.
Catalina had been wonderful for us. A great break. With no family and no visitors coming we have been able to really relax. And in that relaxation and pause I received a huge gift. There was a boat on the mooring ball next to us that we spoke to for a few minutes. Liz and Chris. I instantly felt like I wanted to talk with them some more but we had to run off because the dive shop was holding a time to inspect and fill one of our tanks. We didn’t see them later in the day but I was hopeful that we would talk again.
The next morning I woke up and looked out and their boat was gone. Shit. Well, OK, that’s too bad. Later in the morning we headed in to town planning on getting some breakfast and checking for our mail. As we arrived at the dingy dock the two of them were just grabbing an open spot. As we were trying to tie up Liz tried to help and promptly lost her footing on the rolling dock and nearly tumbled into the bay. She managed to stay dry by performing a surprisingly agile dock dismount - stepping into another tied dink rather than falling into the bay. Since I am the grand pooh bah of klutz I instantly adored her. And with that we decided we should definitely go do breakfast.
We talked for hours about boating. Living on boats, working on boats, buying boats , boats, boats boats. Oh and diving and where we live, what we do.............blah, blah, blah. At the end of the visit we were standing on the sidewalk making plans to have dinner on their boat. As we were about to depart they said oh, we have a dry boat so if you want something to drink its BYOB. NO problem.......... the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up.
We met a few hours later and had a wonderful meal and talked for 3 1/2 hours before we all moved to our boat for a tour. As we sat around the table talking it came up in passing. I told them I was in recovery and they both just smiled. They said when we answered them at breakfast about not drinking they figured we were in recovery. Saying there usually are only two kinds of people who answer the way we did.......recovering alcoholics and highly religious people. Since we hadn’t come across as the highly religious types their guess was on fellow AA’ers.
These are the first people I have met in recovery on this trip who came from out of context. They weren’t at an AA meeting and I still found them. Or they found me. And I like them. Really like them. We have so much in common it is sort of spooky.
So the lesson I am learning here, that keeps being placed in front of me is this: When I let my fears over rule I end up in a place of worry and fear that I won’t be able to do this whole sail around the world thing AND stay sober and connected to the fellowship. But if I look for ways to be in recovery where I am, look for ways to carry the message and be of service then God will and does lead me into fellowship. It mostly doesn’t look like it did at home……and it will likely get even more different before it gets to be “normal” but my HP isn’t letting me fall and hasn’t left me out here all alone.
They also dive so right now we are following them to Emerald Bay to spend a few days diving and visiting and sharing a few meals. I am in heaven. I am trying to stay in the moment and appreciate the gift in my lap and not worry about the fact that they will be staying behind in San Pedro while we go on to Mexico. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I need to trust that God will give me what I need. I will make new friends and find all the fellowship I need. All I need to do is be open and willing to carry my own experience strength and hope…the rest is all gravy.
Love, kat
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
9/7 Ventura
Well I seem to be having a bit of a problem of late. I am overly emotional and all tied in knots over things. Seems that Bill and I are at odds every time I turn around and though I keep making attempts to turn things in a different direction I just keep getting my feelings hurt and or filling up with anger and frustrations.
I called Barbara today which was the best thing i could do. She listened attentively and then gave me some good solid things to look at and think about. It always helps to have someone else give perspective.
It seems that what is happening is a redefining of roles as we move into this new part of our life together. I understand and am clear on the fact that there have been some very significant changes in my life and of course in Bills. And like everything else in the world change takes time. We can acknowledge or not but the truth is change for me and many other alcoholics is difficult. And my life is one long series of changes. Bill and I are really no different its just everything around us. Imagine if you can not shopping at the same store more than once in the last five months. Not buying your gas or a meal or sending out mail. Even when we stay some place a few days it is just long enough to start to feel like we know our way around and off we go.
One the one hand that is part of the experience of being a cruiser and one many levels we have been working towards this for a long time. But on the other hand it sort of keeps you off balance....day after day after day. When i think back to when i moved to Seattle i remember just being frustrated by not knowing where to get my vacuum fixed. Or a heel replaced on a favorite pair of shoes. I even remember driving all the way back to my "old" neighborhood in order to buy my Christmas tree. And boy do I remember years ago when I moved from Tacoma where I had gotten sober to Covington. The AA wasn't bad it just wasn't "right." I kept trying but I kept looking at the differences I guess. That was the beginning of the end for me. Not feeling a part of and being off kilter. Now I do not have to choice. I cant go home to buy my groceries and I am not going to find TLSG here.
So, what can I do? And what is important? First off for me I need to keep praying. And i need to remember that this is not all about me. Bill has his stuff too. Second i think it calls for some focus on gratitude. A conscientious energy to look at the positive. I am the only one who decided my how I am today and how many times I need to restart my day. I am grateful that I was in a place that I could pick up the phone and call someone in the program, and I am even more grateful that it was Barbara and that she was home. Hell she has a frigging broken back......that i don't think in the same linear way as my hubby seems rather trite.
I think I have probably prayed more in the last five m onths than in all of 2009 put together. Hey, that's not a bad deal! And more importantly it seems to come without even pushing. I don't usually even have to think about it- it just comes as a matter of course. That is progress. When i stay in gratitude all the rest sort of fades into the back ground.
SO, that is the end of my rant for the day...I feel batter...hope you do too. xo kat
I called Barbara today which was the best thing i could do. She listened attentively and then gave me some good solid things to look at and think about. It always helps to have someone else give perspective.
It seems that what is happening is a redefining of roles as we move into this new part of our life together. I understand and am clear on the fact that there have been some very significant changes in my life and of course in Bills. And like everything else in the world change takes time. We can acknowledge or not but the truth is change for me and many other alcoholics is difficult. And my life is one long series of changes. Bill and I are really no different its just everything around us. Imagine if you can not shopping at the same store more than once in the last five months. Not buying your gas or a meal or sending out mail. Even when we stay some place a few days it is just long enough to start to feel like we know our way around and off we go.
One the one hand that is part of the experience of being a cruiser and one many levels we have been working towards this for a long time. But on the other hand it sort of keeps you off balance....day after day after day. When i think back to when i moved to Seattle i remember just being frustrated by not knowing where to get my vacuum fixed. Or a heel replaced on a favorite pair of shoes. I even remember driving all the way back to my "old" neighborhood in order to buy my Christmas tree. And boy do I remember years ago when I moved from Tacoma where I had gotten sober to Covington. The AA wasn't bad it just wasn't "right." I kept trying but I kept looking at the differences I guess. That was the beginning of the end for me. Not feeling a part of and being off kilter. Now I do not have to choice. I cant go home to buy my groceries and I am not going to find TLSG here.
So, what can I do? And what is important? First off for me I need to keep praying. And i need to remember that this is not all about me. Bill has his stuff too. Second i think it calls for some focus on gratitude. A conscientious energy to look at the positive. I am the only one who decided my how I am today and how many times I need to restart my day. I am grateful that I was in a place that I could pick up the phone and call someone in the program, and I am even more grateful that it was Barbara and that she was home. Hell she has a frigging broken back......that i don't think in the same linear way as my hubby seems rather trite.
I think I have probably prayed more in the last five m onths than in all of 2009 put together. Hey, that's not a bad deal! And more importantly it seems to come without even pushing. I don't usually even have to think about it- it just comes as a matter of course. That is progress. When i stay in gratitude all the rest sort of fades into the back ground.
SO, that is the end of my rant for the day...I feel batter...hope you do too. xo kat
9/6
Hi,
Bill is sound asleep and snoring while I try and catch up on all my correspondence. It is a lovely sunny day here in palm tree country. We will be here in Ventura for a few days and I hope to be able to find a meeting. I made it to a lovely women's meeting our last night in Santa Barbara. It was good for me to be there amidst a dozen sober women. Most were very new in sobriety if not new to the program. Seems most came from an area halfway house and once again i found myself as one of the "old timers" in the room. That always helps me put my problems and concerns in perspective. I can so easily forget the dark times I had as I struggled my way back into recovery. Treatment center number 4, lock down psych ward number one.
I remember the sound of the door locking and the heavy jangle of keys on the woman's wrist who accompanied me to my room. The bed was a plastic coated mattress on a cement platform. The curtains we perpetually closed and "locked" down so that no one could manage to kill themselves with the drapery. I still smoked then and I needed to wait in line to get a smoke and then stand in the "courtyard" waiting in line for a light since i obviously wasn't in any shape to hold my own lighter. I hadn't thought of that for a long time.
Being here listening to the music wafting from the yacht club party is way better. When i spoke at the meeting I shared that my life was currently so good that I almost felt bad sharing it with the ones in the room who were struggling so. But I could confidently share with them that if they tried to imagine how much better and different their lives will be if they are patient and wait for the miracle they will undoubtedly short change the true possibilities.
I hope you are all well and enjoying the fall....always my favorite time back home. Write any time. I love to hear about how the rest of you are getting through life.
Love, kat
Bill is sound asleep and snoring while I try and catch up on all my correspondence. It is a lovely sunny day here in palm tree country. We will be here in Ventura for a few days and I hope to be able to find a meeting. I made it to a lovely women's meeting our last night in Santa Barbara. It was good for me to be there amidst a dozen sober women. Most were very new in sobriety if not new to the program. Seems most came from an area halfway house and once again i found myself as one of the "old timers" in the room. That always helps me put my problems and concerns in perspective. I can so easily forget the dark times I had as I struggled my way back into recovery. Treatment center number 4, lock down psych ward number one.
I remember the sound of the door locking and the heavy jangle of keys on the woman's wrist who accompanied me to my room. The bed was a plastic coated mattress on a cement platform. The curtains we perpetually closed and "locked" down so that no one could manage to kill themselves with the drapery. I still smoked then and I needed to wait in line to get a smoke and then stand in the "courtyard" waiting in line for a light since i obviously wasn't in any shape to hold my own lighter. I hadn't thought of that for a long time.
Being here listening to the music wafting from the yacht club party is way better. When i spoke at the meeting I shared that my life was currently so good that I almost felt bad sharing it with the ones in the room who were struggling so. But I could confidently share with them that if they tried to imagine how much better and different their lives will be if they are patient and wait for the miracle they will undoubtedly short change the true possibilities.
I hope you are all well and enjoying the fall....always my favorite time back home. Write any time. I love to hear about how the rest of you are getting through life.
Love, kat
Monday, August 23, 2010
8/23 Santa Barbara
Santa Barbara
Tomorrow we leave SB for the Channel Islands for five days of no must do's. I plan on catching up on my naps, good sex and my summer reading! We have been busy here in SB doing some repairs and spending time with the "kids."
The tension between son Josh and dad has eased and they seem to be back on fine footing. We haven't seen our daughter-in-law Dianna since last summers wedding so we have been catching up a bit plus I got to meet the new addition to the family....their new dog Gus. He is a very sweet adopted apricot poodle. I got to get my dog fix in with a good snuggle both times we all got together.
Most of our time has been spent doing boat chores but SB is a big town and they have lots of AA.
I feel so rich here because I was able to make it to two meetings in the last three days. The first one actually was an NA meeting that I stumbled on Sunday morning while out trying to get some decent exercise. They had a 9am meeting beach side that I happened to pass by. The crowd looked "right" and the coffee carafes on the picnic table were a clue. My mind was just starting to think..."maybe" when I overheard a woman saying..."and its so unusually to meet someone with the same birthday...." I kept walking checked my watch to see that it was just a few minutes before 9 then just turned around and asked someone in a lawn chair if it was an AA meeting. Not quite but close.
I have been an NA member in the past and now that I am traveling I figure beggars cant be choosers. If God drops me right next to a meeting I can recognize then I better take it when its offered. It reminds me of a friend I had back in Covington....she was in and out of the program and really struggling in trying to stay in the program...she was out and about one morning trying to talk herself into or out of going to a new meeting. She started praying...asking for a sign...."please"....show me, let me know.....as she began driving by the AA meeting there was a reader board out front...it said.."Looking for a sign?" "Here we are!" She pulled over, parked and has been sober since. Wish it was all that clear!
Then this mooring I got up early and went by myself to a meeting nearby. Turns out it is right across from the SB Harbor marina and they meet daily at 730, 1200 and 500.! They were a great bunch of folks and I felt instantly at home. I am already planning on going back tomorrow and now that I know it is so close I should be able to make several more before we leave here.
Anyway...that's about it...just rejoicing in the sheer number of meetings close by and easy to reach. No bus or taxi needed and I can sneak out early and make the meeting on my own. Before now Bill has accompanied me to every meeting. I don't want to complain and I appreciate his help and support but it is nice to be on my own. I have a new appreciation for couple who are both in the program.
Thanks again for being a part of my recovery. kat
Tomorrow we leave SB for the Channel Islands for five days of no must do's. I plan on catching up on my naps, good sex and my summer reading! We have been busy here in SB doing some repairs and spending time with the "kids."
The tension between son Josh and dad has eased and they seem to be back on fine footing. We haven't seen our daughter-in-law Dianna since last summers wedding so we have been catching up a bit plus I got to meet the new addition to the family....their new dog Gus. He is a very sweet adopted apricot poodle. I got to get my dog fix in with a good snuggle both times we all got together.
Most of our time has been spent doing boat chores but SB is a big town and they have lots of AA.
I feel so rich here because I was able to make it to two meetings in the last three days. The first one actually was an NA meeting that I stumbled on Sunday morning while out trying to get some decent exercise. They had a 9am meeting beach side that I happened to pass by. The crowd looked "right" and the coffee carafes on the picnic table were a clue. My mind was just starting to think..."maybe" when I overheard a woman saying..."and its so unusually to meet someone with the same birthday...." I kept walking checked my watch to see that it was just a few minutes before 9 then just turned around and asked someone in a lawn chair if it was an AA meeting. Not quite but close.
I have been an NA member in the past and now that I am traveling I figure beggars cant be choosers. If God drops me right next to a meeting I can recognize then I better take it when its offered. It reminds me of a friend I had back in Covington....she was in and out of the program and really struggling in trying to stay in the program...she was out and about one morning trying to talk herself into or out of going to a new meeting. She started praying...asking for a sign...."please"....show me, let me know.....as she began driving by the AA meeting there was a reader board out front...it said.."Looking for a sign?" "Here we are!" She pulled over, parked and has been sober since. Wish it was all that clear!
Then this mooring I got up early and went by myself to a meeting nearby. Turns out it is right across from the SB Harbor marina and they meet daily at 730, 1200 and 500.! They were a great bunch of folks and I felt instantly at home. I am already planning on going back tomorrow and now that I know it is so close I should be able to make several more before we leave here.
Anyway...that's about it...just rejoicing in the sheer number of meetings close by and easy to reach. No bus or taxi needed and I can sneak out early and make the meeting on my own. Before now Bill has accompanied me to every meeting. I don't want to complain and I appreciate his help and support but it is nice to be on my own. I have a new appreciation for couple who are both in the program.
Thanks again for being a part of my recovery. kat
Sunday, August 15, 2010
8/15/10
It is Sunday morning and we are motoring towards San Francisco. We should be tucked into a slip at Pier 39 in down town SF by late afternoon. It feels good to know that the hardest part of our first leg south is behind us.
Thursday we sailed through some pretty rough weather – I wrote all the details in my other blog (svislandbound.blogspot.com) so I won’t bore you with the details. What I need from you today is safe and appropriat place to share all my inside thoughts about the storm we encountered. A place to write about how I felt about what happened and the back story of the personalities that got shaken around in the storm.
Ever since I began writing my blog I have been worrying about how to write my own truths without hurting anyone’s feelings. You know, that inside your head voice that is closely attached to our AA ideal of restraint of pen and tongue? For good or bad there are some 125 people regularly reading the big blog and so I find a fine line between my truths and the potential for putting someone in a poor light.
So…a couple of things are pertinent about what happened during the storm. First Bill was running on a shortage of sleep. He finds it difficult to let go of control and this is his boat. Consequently he had not gotten more than an couple of uninterrupted hours of sleep here and there for three and a half days. He kept bopping up to the cockpit. Checking on me, checking on Ryan who is very green, checking on the weather, checking, checking, checking. To the point that I took him aside and suggested that ...."if he could tell that there wasn’t an emergency he needed to get some sleep because we all needed to know we could count on him IF there was a problem. Second Bill seemed to be very aware that he had extra people on the boat that he is responsible for. It is no small undertaking to go out on a big ocean –especially the North Pacific. Now all of a sudden he had to worry about the boat and me and his son and his nephew!
Third Josh, Bills son is one of our crew members. He has done a great deal of saling and is a huge asset to us on this trip. But he can have a sort of stinky attitude sometimes. He and Bill are a lot alike in many ways. Bill absolutely adores his son and Bill has very finite ideas of how things should be.. Over the hours aboard it was beginning to feel like there was a small war of personalities aboard. Sort of like two big dicks jockeying for top dog.
Josh has experience sailing and racing in Puget Sound but he has no experience on open water. Josh also has a unique view of the world. It seems based in a me vs everyone else in the world. For instance his views on music, he listens to a very eclectic range of music. Mostly spurning any kind of pop music, hates country “except the old “real” country.” And verbally issues negative comments about anyone who listens to anything else other than what he deems “good.” Somehow this has always rankled me. The music ideals ripples out into a very strong sense of either you are with him or you are against him. He loudly and regularly expounds on his rights and how no one is going to interfere with them while bashing anyone who doesn’t see things his way.
Me, I am an alcoholic. We seem to be…well…thin skinned and “delicate.” I have often taken it personally when he begins to state his narrow views. I get my feelings hurt and have been known to sulk about it. He on the other hand doesn’t seem to notice how small his world gets when he instantly rules out so many other people choices. In the past I have just declined to get involved and either remove myself or stay quiet. On this trip we have twice the usual number of people present in the same 44 available feet.
What happened in the storm felt like this…....Bill was so tired that he was overly worried. He was seeing a storm with different proportions than I. I on the other hand was not really worried. It was nasty yes but seemed like something that we just needed to get through. Admittedly perhaps I wasn’t looking at it clearly, we could have been in more danger than I could see.
Bill snapped a couple of times out of worry……but each time took the time to apologize. Josh kept giving advice and ideas. Sometimes Bill was asking sometimes not. By the time the captain had decided to run for the marina nerves were frayed in spite of the fact that everyone in their own way had been working hard to stay positive and upbeat. Josh had already made some comments about Bill not listening to his advice. As we motored toward the range markers that would lead us into the marina Bill asked if Josh could see the marked route in. The end result was Joshs said fuck you…..I am not a patsy…I cant stand it when people ask me for advice then don’t take it. Maybe if you cant manage this you shouldn’t be going off shore…..something broke in my heart and I couldn’t tell if it was breaking in either of theirs………
By the time we got to shore I was pretty sure Josh was going to say he was leaving. We walked to dinner and afterwards Josh decided to take a walk while everyone else just wanted to fall into bed. The next morning again I figured he was going to say he was leaving. Instead he choose to walk the town while everyone else worked to get the boat cleaned and repaired. The rest of that day and the next Josh was barely speaking to anyone but Ryan. But I could definitely pick up lots of under his breath mutterings and negativity.
For my feelings, by the time we got in all I could feel was a great deal of love and compassion and gratitude for Bill. I held his hand on the way to and from dinner and every time we walked any place in the tiny town. I thanked him for taking care of us and I told him I was proud of him. I also remember that a couple of times I agreed with Josh not Bill. But I also saw that the choices Bill made were sound. (There is often more than one answer to a situation.) I didn’t agree with everything but I didn’t disagree enough to make it an issue either. In fact I quess I see it as he is the captain and short of saying no You idiot…your not listening there is a fucking ice berg in front of you…..I think what we are doing requires that one person be the decision maker…..hopefully open to input but ultimately one decider.
Josh is so emotionally invested in being right that the whole concept of needing to support decisions was lost. …………………………………………………………………………………He was so angry that he acted like a teenager. And he is so sure he is right and his father is wrong that it feels like a big break.
What I have been doing since to try and get right with it all is one, continue to support Bill. I was not disappointed and in fact the process of his apologizing shows me that he is very interested in doing whats right. And two, praying for Josh. I pray that his heart can open to some understanding that everyone has a right to have opinions and choices in life. I pray that he continue to remain passionate about his own life. Passionate about what he loves and finds value in and praying that God can open his heart to an understanding that everyone has a right and a need to be passionate about their own choices and loves in this world. I pray that he and his father can find some solid ground filled with pride, love and support. That they can continue to look up to each other and to feel like they are the us in this world of us vs them. Because being a part of something is a strength and a comfort to everyone in the world.
Love Kat
PS We are now safely in SF. I was able to take some time...now away from the emotions of the moment to tell Bill how I felt...from not always agreeing.....and not seeing the storm as such a huge thing right away.....and my response to Joshs reactions.....how it felt like Josh was so highly invested in being right ....and his often clear inability to see others sides of things.....all of it came out in a loving and supportive manner..... in a voice that was accepted as supporting and not condeming......and...I will keep praying for Josh just as I will continue my prayers for direction of my own. kat
It is Sunday morning and we are motoring towards San Francisco. We should be tucked into a slip at Pier 39 in down town SF by late afternoon. It feels good to know that the hardest part of our first leg south is behind us.
Thursday we sailed through some pretty rough weather – I wrote all the details in my other blog (svislandbound.blogspot.com) so I won’t bore you with the details. What I need from you today is safe and appropriat place to share all my inside thoughts about the storm we encountered. A place to write about how I felt about what happened and the back story of the personalities that got shaken around in the storm.
Ever since I began writing my blog I have been worrying about how to write my own truths without hurting anyone’s feelings. You know, that inside your head voice that is closely attached to our AA ideal of restraint of pen and tongue? For good or bad there are some 125 people regularly reading the big blog and so I find a fine line between my truths and the potential for putting someone in a poor light.
So…a couple of things are pertinent about what happened during the storm. First Bill was running on a shortage of sleep. He finds it difficult to let go of control and this is his boat. Consequently he had not gotten more than an couple of uninterrupted hours of sleep here and there for three and a half days. He kept bopping up to the cockpit. Checking on me, checking on Ryan who is very green, checking on the weather, checking, checking, checking. To the point that I took him aside and suggested that ...."if he could tell that there wasn’t an emergency he needed to get some sleep because we all needed to know we could count on him IF there was a problem. Second Bill seemed to be very aware that he had extra people on the boat that he is responsible for. It is no small undertaking to go out on a big ocean –especially the North Pacific. Now all of a sudden he had to worry about the boat and me and his son and his nephew!
Third Josh, Bills son is one of our crew members. He has done a great deal of saling and is a huge asset to us on this trip. But he can have a sort of stinky attitude sometimes. He and Bill are a lot alike in many ways. Bill absolutely adores his son and Bill has very finite ideas of how things should be.. Over the hours aboard it was beginning to feel like there was a small war of personalities aboard. Sort of like two big dicks jockeying for top dog.
Josh has experience sailing and racing in Puget Sound but he has no experience on open water. Josh also has a unique view of the world. It seems based in a me vs everyone else in the world. For instance his views on music, he listens to a very eclectic range of music. Mostly spurning any kind of pop music, hates country “except the old “real” country.” And verbally issues negative comments about anyone who listens to anything else other than what he deems “good.” Somehow this has always rankled me. The music ideals ripples out into a very strong sense of either you are with him or you are against him. He loudly and regularly expounds on his rights and how no one is going to interfere with them while bashing anyone who doesn’t see things his way.
Me, I am an alcoholic. We seem to be…well…thin skinned and “delicate.” I have often taken it personally when he begins to state his narrow views. I get my feelings hurt and have been known to sulk about it. He on the other hand doesn’t seem to notice how small his world gets when he instantly rules out so many other people choices. In the past I have just declined to get involved and either remove myself or stay quiet. On this trip we have twice the usual number of people present in the same 44 available feet.
What happened in the storm felt like this…....Bill was so tired that he was overly worried. He was seeing a storm with different proportions than I. I on the other hand was not really worried. It was nasty yes but seemed like something that we just needed to get through. Admittedly perhaps I wasn’t looking at it clearly, we could have been in more danger than I could see.
Bill snapped a couple of times out of worry……but each time took the time to apologize. Josh kept giving advice and ideas. Sometimes Bill was asking sometimes not. By the time the captain had decided to run for the marina nerves were frayed in spite of the fact that everyone in their own way had been working hard to stay positive and upbeat. Josh had already made some comments about Bill not listening to his advice. As we motored toward the range markers that would lead us into the marina Bill asked if Josh could see the marked route in. The end result was Joshs said fuck you…..I am not a patsy…I cant stand it when people ask me for advice then don’t take it. Maybe if you cant manage this you shouldn’t be going off shore…..something broke in my heart and I couldn’t tell if it was breaking in either of theirs………
By the time we got to shore I was pretty sure Josh was going to say he was leaving. We walked to dinner and afterwards Josh decided to take a walk while everyone else just wanted to fall into bed. The next morning again I figured he was going to say he was leaving. Instead he choose to walk the town while everyone else worked to get the boat cleaned and repaired. The rest of that day and the next Josh was barely speaking to anyone but Ryan. But I could definitely pick up lots of under his breath mutterings and negativity.
For my feelings, by the time we got in all I could feel was a great deal of love and compassion and gratitude for Bill. I held his hand on the way to and from dinner and every time we walked any place in the tiny town. I thanked him for taking care of us and I told him I was proud of him. I also remember that a couple of times I agreed with Josh not Bill. But I also saw that the choices Bill made were sound. (There is often more than one answer to a situation.) I didn’t agree with everything but I didn’t disagree enough to make it an issue either. In fact I quess I see it as he is the captain and short of saying no You idiot…your not listening there is a fucking ice berg in front of you…..I think what we are doing requires that one person be the decision maker…..hopefully open to input but ultimately one decider.
Josh is so emotionally invested in being right that the whole concept of needing to support decisions was lost. …………………………………………………………………………………He was so angry that he acted like a teenager. And he is so sure he is right and his father is wrong that it feels like a big break.
What I have been doing since to try and get right with it all is one, continue to support Bill. I was not disappointed and in fact the process of his apologizing shows me that he is very interested in doing whats right. And two, praying for Josh. I pray that his heart can open to some understanding that everyone has a right to have opinions and choices in life. I pray that he continue to remain passionate about his own life. Passionate about what he loves and finds value in and praying that God can open his heart to an understanding that everyone has a right and a need to be passionate about their own choices and loves in this world. I pray that he and his father can find some solid ground filled with pride, love and support. That they can continue to look up to each other and to feel like they are the us in this world of us vs them. Because being a part of something is a strength and a comfort to everyone in the world.
Love Kat
PS We are now safely in SF. I was able to take some time...now away from the emotions of the moment to tell Bill how I felt...from not always agreeing.....and not seeing the storm as such a huge thing right away.....and my response to Joshs reactions.....how it felt like Josh was so highly invested in being right ....and his often clear inability to see others sides of things.....all of it came out in a loving and supportive manner..... in a voice that was accepted as supporting and not condeming......and...I will keep praying for Josh just as I will continue my prayers for direction of my own. kat
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
गोइंग तो एनी length
7/13
Yesterday I attended an AA meeting in a tiny village at Alert Bay, BC. It was a wonderful reminder of a lot of important things. First, a reminder that I need to continue to be willing to go to any length. I had already tried unsuccessfully to look for AA in Alert Bay online with no luck so was not holding any hope for a meeting while there. Then as we were walking outside of town I saw a woman drive by in a van with the name and logo for Alert Bay Treatment center. My mind stuttered over it but figured I had blown any chance as I watched her drive away. A few minutes later Bill said, "there it is again...I know your dying to stop her....go ahead...." So, I waved my arms to flag her down. (This is a tiny town ) She pulled right over, a little startled I think and I said I was visiting from Seattle and wondered if there was any AA in town. It turned out she was only borrowing the van and had no affiliation with the treatment center but she knew where the "AA house" was. She rattled off some directions and we happily seyt off. Unfortunately following directions in an unfamiliar place given y a local has never been my forte I proceeded to get a bit lost. Somehow though I stumbled over the treatment center so I just walked up to the door to ask. There was a woman on the pay phone by the front door who told us that the Sundays AA had been a few hours ago but that Monday at 7pm there would be one at "Sunshine House" and pointed us in the right direction. Shoot and darn. We were planning to leave the next morning.
The next day their was a high wind warning in the Strait so we decided to stay another day. I was able to ask the Harbor Master if he knew where Sunshine House was and turned out he had worked for years for the little hospital across the street form there and knew exactly where it was. Armed with better directions at 630pm I was off walking through town to find my AA meeting.
The other important reminder was that I need to be open to where God would lead me in this new phase of my recovery. The Sunshine house had no AA sign or symbol and no one was there when I arrived. After waiting in the weedy lot for 20 minutes a young native woman walked up, singing with her head plugged into an ipod. I walked over and asked if I was at the right place for an AA meeting. She smiled and I knew I had found it! The members slowly trickled in and began taking seats in a circle of old tattered chairs in a nearly empty house.
I was the only non native person in attendance. I was also one of four people over the age of 25. There were two old native men and two middle aged native women and everyone else was young and currently enrolled in a 6week inpatient program. Turned out that Alert Bay is the only native treatment center in the whole of BC. These "kids" were from reservations from all over BC.
They were very welcoming if a bit shy. I didn't ask but I got the distinct feeling that they rarely if ever get visitors. The topic of the meeting was fears and there was a great deal of discussion regarding the fears of getting out soon and going home to friends and family who would still be drinking and using. Fears I could of course relate to and having been through inpatient myself 4 times!!! i had plenty of experience strength and hope I could readily share.
I was very impressed with the way members of the group were actively combining a traditional AA program with their heritage of naive customs and spirituality. There was a great deal of reference to family connection and the impact of alcoholism and drug addiction culturally and generationally. They were actively relying on main stream AA along with traditional native spirituality to find strength in their own fellowship and within their own communities. The eldest member was some sort of leader though I am not sure of the capacity. He may have worked for the center but it seemed more like he was from the local neighborhood. There was reference to his leadership of their spiritual practices of sweating and of a cleansing done in a course of days by being washed in the waters of Alert Bay at 5am! Brrrrrrrrr. It seemed like it was an optional exercise and there was a lot of reverence to it.
It was a great meeting and as always I walked away from it richer than I had arrived, proud of AA and more aware of the ability of AA to transcend beliefs and differences. I thought with great gratitude of the richness of Seatles' 1000+ meetings and was reassured that i they can find recovery with just three meetings a week then for me too all is possible. AA miraculously transcends borders of time and place for me and countless others.
Love, kat
Yesterday I attended an AA meeting in a tiny village at Alert Bay, BC. It was a wonderful reminder of a lot of important things. First, a reminder that I need to continue to be willing to go to any length. I had already tried unsuccessfully to look for AA in Alert Bay online with no luck so was not holding any hope for a meeting while there. Then as we were walking outside of town I saw a woman drive by in a van with the name and logo for Alert Bay Treatment center. My mind stuttered over it but figured I had blown any chance as I watched her drive away. A few minutes later Bill said, "there it is again...I know your dying to stop her....go ahead...." So, I waved my arms to flag her down. (This is a tiny town ) She pulled right over, a little startled I think and I said I was visiting from Seattle and wondered if there was any AA in town. It turned out she was only borrowing the van and had no affiliation with the treatment center but she knew where the "AA house" was. She rattled off some directions and we happily seyt off. Unfortunately following directions in an unfamiliar place given y a local has never been my forte I proceeded to get a bit lost. Somehow though I stumbled over the treatment center so I just walked up to the door to ask. There was a woman on the pay phone by the front door who told us that the Sundays AA had been a few hours ago but that Monday at 7pm there would be one at "Sunshine House" and pointed us in the right direction. Shoot and darn. We were planning to leave the next morning.
The next day their was a high wind warning in the Strait so we decided to stay another day. I was able to ask the Harbor Master if he knew where Sunshine House was and turned out he had worked for years for the little hospital across the street form there and knew exactly where it was. Armed with better directions at 630pm I was off walking through town to find my AA meeting.
The other important reminder was that I need to be open to where God would lead me in this new phase of my recovery. The Sunshine house had no AA sign or symbol and no one was there when I arrived. After waiting in the weedy lot for 20 minutes a young native woman walked up, singing with her head plugged into an ipod. I walked over and asked if I was at the right place for an AA meeting. She smiled and I knew I had found it! The members slowly trickled in and began taking seats in a circle of old tattered chairs in a nearly empty house.
I was the only non native person in attendance. I was also one of four people over the age of 25. There were two old native men and two middle aged native women and everyone else was young and currently enrolled in a 6week inpatient program. Turned out that Alert Bay is the only native treatment center in the whole of BC. These "kids" were from reservations from all over BC.
They were very welcoming if a bit shy. I didn't ask but I got the distinct feeling that they rarely if ever get visitors. The topic of the meeting was fears and there was a great deal of discussion regarding the fears of getting out soon and going home to friends and family who would still be drinking and using. Fears I could of course relate to and having been through inpatient myself 4 times!!! i had plenty of experience strength and hope I could readily share.
I was very impressed with the way members of the group were actively combining a traditional AA program with their heritage of naive customs and spirituality. There was a great deal of reference to family connection and the impact of alcoholism and drug addiction culturally and generationally. They were actively relying on main stream AA along with traditional native spirituality to find strength in their own fellowship and within their own communities. The eldest member was some sort of leader though I am not sure of the capacity. He may have worked for the center but it seemed more like he was from the local neighborhood. There was reference to his leadership of their spiritual practices of sweating and of a cleansing done in a course of days by being washed in the waters of Alert Bay at 5am! Brrrrrrrrr. It seemed like it was an optional exercise and there was a lot of reverence to it.
It was a great meeting and as always I walked away from it richer than I had arrived, proud of AA and more aware of the ability of AA to transcend beliefs and differences. I thought with great gratitude of the richness of Seatles' 1000+ meetings and was reassured that i they can find recovery with just three meetings a week then for me too all is possible. AA miraculously transcends borders of time and place for me and countless others.
Love, kat
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
फ़ारस
Fears........today I am enmeshed in Step 4. The place where I first realized my life has been full of fear based decisions, thoughts and reactions, and am still continuing to suddenly and often open my eyes to discovering again, and again. Today I am a little more understanding of this phenomena of my life but it still creeps in in so many forms that it is often impossible to recognize.
We have now been cruising for two full months. The reality of that is in the last 61 days I have spent 61 days, 24/7 within shouting distance of my husband. The only time I have spent time alone in the entire 61 days was once in Juneau when I borrowed the use of a washer and dryer from a new friend and once in Ketchikan when I went to the laundry mat for a couple of hours. It is confusing to my mind to have spent so long, years, planning and getting ready for this trip and then to find fault with it. But sheesh, have you ever spent 61 days with your significant other (or anyone for that matter) without time to shop or drive or go to work or get to a meeting or take a hot bath while alone or....)
What does this mean in reference to step four? Well i believe that my resentments are all fear based. That when I find myself filled with anger or frustration or resentment or any number of the more negative emotions it is always a manifestation of some fear I have inside. Sometimes they are old familiar fears like fear of abandonment or fear of not being good enough. But most often they are fears that remain lost in the emotion. Those are the times I find myself drowning in what the other person is or isn't doing.
In the last two months I have found myself so mired in what He is or isn't doing that all I can see is anger. My feeling getting hurt again and again while i struggle to dissect each emotion and fear like an insane surgeon. I lay in bed replaying what was said or done over and over again and rearranging what I said or did or what i should have said or did. I have come so close too many times to just shrieking that's it This is not going to work take me home!
Which fills me with a new level of fear....take me home to what? I have nothing there. No car, no home, no job, no dog, no possessions. What exactly would I do to recreate my life with the huge void where these years of preparation and transformation to boat life has been? And how exactly would I explain to everyone I know and love that all this came crashing down in less than a season? My ego steps in and I am sure I can not possibly give up. And I cannot possibly start over and I can not possibly fail in front of every one...and damn it i cannot possibly give up before I get to the dream part (see tropics, warm winds, days filled with diving and snorkeling and reading a god book in the shade while filled with bliss and love and serenity")
Sometimes ego is a good thing because it has served me in the past by forcing me to stick things out rather than giving up. Sometimes ego is life threatening when my thoughts go to the impossibleness (is that a word?) of failing and the need for a dark quiet place away from the loud shouting in my head. The sureness and belief that there is only one way to fix this and that is by not being at all. Mostly I am able to stay away from that place but my pain has been deep enough in these 61 days to visit there again for the first time in a long time.
Then there are the other days. The days I am weller. The days I can pick through my part and let go of his. The days when practicing tradition ten in my everyday life allows me to be and experience and accept without having an opinion that devours me. That is a place I recognized a long time ago and have done a great deal of work on. Yet having an opinion is dangerous to me. When I cling to my opinion I don't leave a lot of room for my feelings and my hopes and my dreams of life. When i get so emotionally attached to my opinion I forget that it isn't my place to be right it is only my place to be of service. In the grand scheme of things not having my opinion taken as the end all be all has never been the point. Life is haring and life for me is being happy joyous and free. Not right.
So let me try and explain. If you are in the car with someone and you think you should take I-5 north, then drop off and follow old state route 623 south east, then stop and have a chicken sandwich at about 100pm then continue on and stay in the holiday Inn off route 66. But someone else wants to take I-5 north, then take 842 east, then stop and have fried chicken and take a nap. Then hook up on the clover leave with the back end of 623 and drive till late before finding a room at Motel 6 to save a few bucks. In the end you are still full and tired and ready for bed and tomorrow you will awake and do it all over again. Everyday is a choice. When I think back on every single fight I have ever had with someone I love the reason for the fight itself is either impossible to remember or in retrospect made no significant impact on the rest of my life. It was a moot point at best and a waste of time and energy and possibly the loss of a relationship at worst.
So, what is most important? To love Bill and myself. To experience the world around me and the people and places I will find along the way. It wont matter if he was wrong....or I was right. it will matter though if we love each other and it will matter if I can find respect and compassion and love for him...and me in everything I do.
Don't worry, be happy. And don't worry, all of this is just microscopic dissection of my life and not nearly as serious as I stir it up to be. The trip is good. The experience is wonderful and the good well out ways the bad. But, it helps me to be aware of my character defects and remember that when some person place o thing is a problem for me it is always me and not them that i need to look at. Love, kat
We have now been cruising for two full months. The reality of that is in the last 61 days I have spent 61 days, 24/7 within shouting distance of my husband. The only time I have spent time alone in the entire 61 days was once in Juneau when I borrowed the use of a washer and dryer from a new friend and once in Ketchikan when I went to the laundry mat for a couple of hours. It is confusing to my mind to have spent so long, years, planning and getting ready for this trip and then to find fault with it. But sheesh, have you ever spent 61 days with your significant other (or anyone for that matter) without time to shop or drive or go to work or get to a meeting or take a hot bath while alone or....)
What does this mean in reference to step four? Well i believe that my resentments are all fear based. That when I find myself filled with anger or frustration or resentment or any number of the more negative emotions it is always a manifestation of some fear I have inside. Sometimes they are old familiar fears like fear of abandonment or fear of not being good enough. But most often they are fears that remain lost in the emotion. Those are the times I find myself drowning in what the other person is or isn't doing.
In the last two months I have found myself so mired in what He is or isn't doing that all I can see is anger. My feeling getting hurt again and again while i struggle to dissect each emotion and fear like an insane surgeon. I lay in bed replaying what was said or done over and over again and rearranging what I said or did or what i should have said or did. I have come so close too many times to just shrieking that's it This is not going to work take me home!
Which fills me with a new level of fear....take me home to what? I have nothing there. No car, no home, no job, no dog, no possessions. What exactly would I do to recreate my life with the huge void where these years of preparation and transformation to boat life has been? And how exactly would I explain to everyone I know and love that all this came crashing down in less than a season? My ego steps in and I am sure I can not possibly give up. And I cannot possibly start over and I can not possibly fail in front of every one...and damn it i cannot possibly give up before I get to the dream part (see tropics, warm winds, days filled with diving and snorkeling and reading a god book in the shade while filled with bliss and love and serenity")
Sometimes ego is a good thing because it has served me in the past by forcing me to stick things out rather than giving up. Sometimes ego is life threatening when my thoughts go to the impossibleness (is that a word?) of failing and the need for a dark quiet place away from the loud shouting in my head. The sureness and belief that there is only one way to fix this and that is by not being at all. Mostly I am able to stay away from that place but my pain has been deep enough in these 61 days to visit there again for the first time in a long time.
Then there are the other days. The days I am weller. The days I can pick through my part and let go of his. The days when practicing tradition ten in my everyday life allows me to be and experience and accept without having an opinion that devours me. That is a place I recognized a long time ago and have done a great deal of work on. Yet having an opinion is dangerous to me. When I cling to my opinion I don't leave a lot of room for my feelings and my hopes and my dreams of life. When i get so emotionally attached to my opinion I forget that it isn't my place to be right it is only my place to be of service. In the grand scheme of things not having my opinion taken as the end all be all has never been the point. Life is haring and life for me is being happy joyous and free. Not right.
So let me try and explain. If you are in the car with someone and you think you should take I-5 north, then drop off and follow old state route 623 south east, then stop and have a chicken sandwich at about 100pm then continue on and stay in the holiday Inn off route 66. But someone else wants to take I-5 north, then take 842 east, then stop and have fried chicken and take a nap. Then hook up on the clover leave with the back end of 623 and drive till late before finding a room at Motel 6 to save a few bucks. In the end you are still full and tired and ready for bed and tomorrow you will awake and do it all over again. Everyday is a choice. When I think back on every single fight I have ever had with someone I love the reason for the fight itself is either impossible to remember or in retrospect made no significant impact on the rest of my life. It was a moot point at best and a waste of time and energy and possibly the loss of a relationship at worst.
So, what is most important? To love Bill and myself. To experience the world around me and the people and places I will find along the way. It wont matter if he was wrong....or I was right. it will matter though if we love each other and it will matter if I can find respect and compassion and love for him...and me in everything I do.
Don't worry, be happy. And don't worry, all of this is just microscopic dissection of my life and not nearly as serious as I stir it up to be. The trip is good. The experience is wonderful and the good well out ways the bad. But, it helps me to be aware of my character defects and remember that when some person place o thing is a problem for me it is always me and not them that i need to look at. Love, kat
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
6/15
Have been out now for 6 weeks. In that time I have been to 6 meetings and made two telephone calls to Alaskan AA contacts I got from Terri W before I left. Not bad considering where we have been. I have been exceptionally determined to do my daily reading and I have begun, slowly to establish a new way to find mys AA fellowship.
I have been less successful at keeping this AA Afloat blog active but between the "real" Island Bound blog, emails to friends and family and necessary communications tying up loose ends from the departure I will not beat myself up over that. Instead I will continue to work towards creating a new reality of recovery from afar.
The highlight of the newly establishing fellowship had been old fashion snail mail letters to my dear friend Barbara as well as numerous emails to her and to my sponsor and a handful of other AA friends from Tuesday Ladies Study Group. It is like Christmas to me when we arrive somewhere and manage to borrow some local WiFi. I get to open up my email to find notes from many of you.
I wasn't sure how this would play out but I am finding the email a real lifeline for me. I get to return to the principals of the program and apply them to this new life. Imagine that! Plus when someone writes about their own trials and tribulations back home I get to step out of my tiny little life and reposition my thoughts. God, please do write about your problems and triumphs! Otherwise I find myself just taking about me, me, me.
If I had to choose a step that has been foremost in my daily life it would definitely still be 2.) Came to believe......closely followed by 3,) turning my will and my life over. On a 44 ft boat with nothing but the weather, the miles, food and my husband to give form to my life talking to God has been really important. I have no option other than turning my life over because I have little to no actual influence over the path my day runs to.
Have a plan on where you are going today? Gale force winds will redirect you. Intent on getting from here to there and "experiencing" Alaska? Try moving though a wilderness of trees, mountains and sea at about the pace you can walk around Green Lake. Want to eat well and fill yourself with fresh fruits and vegetables? Pelican has no store, Elfin Cove had a tiny store with two heads of leaf lettuce, three of ice berg, a basket full of brown bananas and some apples next to cookies, candy, ice cream, rolls, brownie mix, wine, beer, jerky, fishing tackle and $3o t-shirts.
Want to get some exercise (good for the body, great for Bi-polar disorder and good for the endorphins?) Spend ten hours moving your home 60 miles then when you get there get the dinghy off the davits and loaded into the water, climb in and motor ashore. Climb out being careful not ot tear the dingy on the rock, muscles and barnacles. Step into icy cold water that dampens the bottom of your pants and pours into your short rubber boots. Then look around at the woods. No trails, woods so thick you can't walk through them, Oh, and don't forget to make lots of noise as you do move along the beach to alert the GRIZZLY bears to your presence so hopefully they will leave instead of deciding that you would make a good lunch.
All this plus: 1) I am sober, 2.) I don't have to work for a living, 3.) I am allowed to travel the world at will to experience new things and make new friends and 4.) have the chance to create a new depth and dimension of friendship and connection with women form my old home group, while 5.) being open to experiencing a world of other AA's and experience recovery through their lives.
Wow, am I grateful. Thanks for listening and feel free (please, please, please) to email and or write letters {Kat Russell, c/o Mary A Davies, 3925 S 326th Pl, Federal Way Wa 98001.}
Yours in long distance service, Kat.
Have been out now for 6 weeks. In that time I have been to 6 meetings and made two telephone calls to Alaskan AA contacts I got from Terri W before I left. Not bad considering where we have been. I have been exceptionally determined to do my daily reading and I have begun, slowly to establish a new way to find mys AA fellowship.
I have been less successful at keeping this AA Afloat blog active but between the "real" Island Bound blog, emails to friends and family and necessary communications tying up loose ends from the departure I will not beat myself up over that. Instead I will continue to work towards creating a new reality of recovery from afar.
The highlight of the newly establishing fellowship had been old fashion snail mail letters to my dear friend Barbara as well as numerous emails to her and to my sponsor and a handful of other AA friends from Tuesday Ladies Study Group. It is like Christmas to me when we arrive somewhere and manage to borrow some local WiFi. I get to open up my email to find notes from many of you.
I wasn't sure how this would play out but I am finding the email a real lifeline for me. I get to return to the principals of the program and apply them to this new life. Imagine that! Plus when someone writes about their own trials and tribulations back home I get to step out of my tiny little life and reposition my thoughts. God, please do write about your problems and triumphs! Otherwise I find myself just taking about me, me, me.
If I had to choose a step that has been foremost in my daily life it would definitely still be 2.) Came to believe......closely followed by 3,) turning my will and my life over. On a 44 ft boat with nothing but the weather, the miles, food and my husband to give form to my life talking to God has been really important. I have no option other than turning my life over because I have little to no actual influence over the path my day runs to.
Have a plan on where you are going today? Gale force winds will redirect you. Intent on getting from here to there and "experiencing" Alaska? Try moving though a wilderness of trees, mountains and sea at about the pace you can walk around Green Lake. Want to eat well and fill yourself with fresh fruits and vegetables? Pelican has no store, Elfin Cove had a tiny store with two heads of leaf lettuce, three of ice berg, a basket full of brown bananas and some apples next to cookies, candy, ice cream, rolls, brownie mix, wine, beer, jerky, fishing tackle and $3o t-shirts.
Want to get some exercise (good for the body, great for Bi-polar disorder and good for the endorphins?) Spend ten hours moving your home 60 miles then when you get there get the dinghy off the davits and loaded into the water, climb in and motor ashore. Climb out being careful not ot tear the dingy on the rock, muscles and barnacles. Step into icy cold water that dampens the bottom of your pants and pours into your short rubber boots. Then look around at the woods. No trails, woods so thick you can't walk through them, Oh, and don't forget to make lots of noise as you do move along the beach to alert the GRIZZLY bears to your presence so hopefully they will leave instead of deciding that you would make a good lunch.
All this plus: 1) I am sober, 2.) I don't have to work for a living, 3.) I am allowed to travel the world at will to experience new things and make new friends and 4.) have the chance to create a new depth and dimension of friendship and connection with women form my old home group, while 5.) being open to experiencing a world of other AA's and experience recovery through their lives.
Wow, am I grateful. Thanks for listening and feel free (please, please, please) to email and or write letters {Kat Russell, c/o Mary A Davies, 3925 S 326th Pl, Federal Way Wa 98001.}
Yours in long distance service, Kat.
Monday, May 3, 2010
AA Afloat
May 2, 2010
Today is day two. We came to Pt Townsend from Seattle yesterday. It turned out to be a nice trip. No rain, sunshine beginning to peak out by mid trip and lovely though windy in PT. The thing that struck me was how this seemed like a short uneventful trip but not too long ago sailing to PT was a big deal. Now we just saw it as a short hop and a chance to rest from all the preparations and excitement.
The day started early when family and friends came to our home slip at Shilshole Bay Marina for an emotional good bye, Throwing off the lines as everyone waved and snapped pictures felt like a day that must belong to someone else.
The highlight of my day was when I opened some mail that had arrived for me at Moms house just the day before. It was my packet of introduction from LIM (Loners internationalists Meeting.) I had learned about Loners from my sponsor when she told me she had been a member while she was in Korea several years ago. I had never even heard of LIM.
I tried to sign up in preparation for our departure but it took a little to find my place in what I hope will be a cornerstone of my AA at sea. When I first signed up I ended up on the LIM email group. Which would be great for most people but from day one I recieved dozens of emails each day. Sounds great right? All those conntacts! But what it really did was fill my inbox in no time. Unfortunatly first, I will have sporadic access to my email in ports of size that may or may not have WIFI. The email we have for at sea is a great tool but we pay for it by the byte which means opening an email with days or even weeks of daily posts just wouldnt work for us.
After some correspondence I found my own glass slipper in the realm of LIM. Turns out that they have a print version that is mailed every other month. This is actualy the way LIM got started. Good old snail mail. Most of the LIM activity today it seems takes place by email but there is a small group still writing through GSO.
The news letters will be sent to mom who will send them on to me whenever we know of a specific destination and a mail drop that she can forward them to. It wont be fast or terriby efficient but it is do-able.
The small packet I recieved included a letter of introduction from the LIM coordinator, a box 459 newsletter from GSO, a confidential "2009 Loners-Internationalists & Homers Directory and a Jan/Feb AND a March/April LIM newsletter "An AA meeting for loners, internationalists and other AA's who cannot attend regular AA meetings."
The three folded pages included our Preamble followed by notes and letters written by 24+ members of our fellowship, a "sad to report" listing of LIM AA's who have passed on, a list of who participated in the meeting and their emails or addresses, a list of new loners, new homers and new internationalists and a list of port contacts. I was so excited by the meeting in print "Just for ME!" that i had to force myself to leave one of the two editions for another day. I can only inagine that I will be opening furute packages from my mom with great anticipation.
Inside the packet was the directory which lists confidential contact info for Loners, Internationalists and Homers in the US, in Canada and around the world. Plus Port contacts in both the US and abroad. There were contacts in 25 states and 26 countries. A listing of phone meetings and online meetings were included.
My "real" meetings will be few and far between but there is a solution. I already wrote a letter of introduction to LIM for inclusion in a future newsletter! Wrote it yesterday, still underway!Between my home contacts, LIM, meetings I find along the way and my AA flag well, the possibilities are endless. Aint Life Grand?
Thanks for being a part of my AA afloat and I look forward to the next time we can talk. Kat R. Seattle,Wa
May 2, 2010
Today is day two. We came to Pt Townsend from Seattle yesterday. It turned out to be a nice trip. No rain, sunshine beginning to peak out by mid trip and lovely though windy in PT. The thing that struck me was how this seemed like a short uneventful trip but not too long ago sailing to PT was a big deal. Now we just saw it as a short hop and a chance to rest from all the preparations and excitement.
The day started early when family and friends came to our home slip at Shilshole Bay Marina for an emotional good bye, Throwing off the lines as everyone waved and snapped pictures felt like a day that must belong to someone else.
The highlight of my day was when I opened some mail that had arrived for me at Moms house just the day before. It was my packet of introduction from LIM (Loners internationalists Meeting.) I had learned about Loners from my sponsor when she told me she had been a member while she was in Korea several years ago. I had never even heard of LIM.
I tried to sign up in preparation for our departure but it took a little to find my place in what I hope will be a cornerstone of my AA at sea. When I first signed up I ended up on the LIM email group. Which would be great for most people but from day one I recieved dozens of emails each day. Sounds great right? All those conntacts! But what it really did was fill my inbox in no time. Unfortunatly first, I will have sporadic access to my email in ports of size that may or may not have WIFI. The email we have for at sea is a great tool but we pay for it by the byte which means opening an email with days or even weeks of daily posts just wouldnt work for us.
After some correspondence I found my own glass slipper in the realm of LIM. Turns out that they have a print version that is mailed every other month. This is actualy the way LIM got started. Good old snail mail. Most of the LIM activity today it seems takes place by email but there is a small group still writing through GSO.
The news letters will be sent to mom who will send them on to me whenever we know of a specific destination and a mail drop that she can forward them to. It wont be fast or terriby efficient but it is do-able.
The small packet I recieved included a letter of introduction from the LIM coordinator, a box 459 newsletter from GSO, a confidential "2009 Loners-Internationalists & Homers Directory and a Jan/Feb AND a March/April LIM newsletter "An AA meeting for loners, internationalists and other AA's who cannot attend regular AA meetings."
The three folded pages included our Preamble followed by notes and letters written by 24+ members of our fellowship, a "sad to report" listing of LIM AA's who have passed on, a list of who participated in the meeting and their emails or addresses, a list of new loners, new homers and new internationalists and a list of port contacts. I was so excited by the meeting in print "Just for ME!" that i had to force myself to leave one of the two editions for another day. I can only inagine that I will be opening furute packages from my mom with great anticipation.
Inside the packet was the directory which lists confidential contact info for Loners, Internationalists and Homers in the US, in Canada and around the world. Plus Port contacts in both the US and abroad. There were contacts in 25 states and 26 countries. A listing of phone meetings and online meetings were included.
My "real" meetings will be few and far between but there is a solution. I already wrote a letter of introduction to LIM for inclusion in a future newsletter! Wrote it yesterday, still underway!Between my home contacts, LIM, meetings I find along the way and my AA flag well, the possibilities are endless. Aint Life Grand?
Thanks for being a part of my AA afloat and I look forward to the next time we can talk. Kat R. Seattle,Wa
Almost gone
AA Remote and Afloat
May 1, 2010
It is 530 in the morning and I have been awake for the better part of an hour. In a few hours we will be untying the dock lines and stepping into a new life. Everything is stowed and most of the loose ends are tied. The oddest feeling came from looking down at my key ring and realizing there isn’t a single key on it. No car, no mail box, no key to my moms or Bills car. Everything we own in the world is now confined in 44feet of floating life.
This I hope will be a corner stone of my new AA program. And it has never been more important in my recovery than now to have a program of my own. But how exactly will this work? I haven’t the foggiest but I am about to find out. From my first meeting in 1983 I have always had the quiet luxury of being surrounded with hundreds if not thousands of meeting everyday. AA went with me from Federal way to Tacoma to Covington/Black Diamond and then into “the city.” Whenever I couldn’t pull it together to have a strong program of my own I could always borrow yours. Through the love and sharing I have always found what I needed in AA.
So how is it going to work when there isn’t a meeting within hours? HOW: honesty with myself. Especially an honest acceptance that what I am feeling is OK. Excitement, happiness, grief, loss, sad mad or temporarily lost. Open mindedness: open to all those feelings and open to the program that my faith tells me will unfold around me as we travel on. Willingness: to reach out and accept a new way…until it becomes the right way.
You are going to become a part of that. Please write back when and if you can. I plan on adding my thoughts to this blog regularly but will likely only open this blog when we are near civilization. Which means my posts will likely go out in bunches and spurts. Also please pass this on to anyone you know in AA who might be interested in being part of my recovery.
In order to keep being a part of- I have a sense that I need a plan of some kind and the best I can think of is to actively work through the steps again in some kind of orderly fashion. April was Step 1.
We were supposed to leave April 1st so I have had a full month of admitting I am powerless of (fill in the blanks) and my life is unmanageable. Nothing could have been more unmanageable than this last month. Refrigerator panels more than a month late, more projects on a list we could not possibly get through, a boat that was filthy inside and out from the projects and construction all coupled with my combined emotions of excitement and grief. I lived step one this last month. My plan is to focus a step each month so today, May 1st I am diving right in to “came to believe.” I am going to need to hold on to the faith of the program: that God will restore me to sanity, that you are a power greater than me and that neither has disappeared just because I have left the dock. My recovery will never be the same…….but isn’t that astonishingly wonderful?
Kat, aboard S/v Island Bound
May 1, 2010
It is 530 in the morning and I have been awake for the better part of an hour. In a few hours we will be untying the dock lines and stepping into a new life. Everything is stowed and most of the loose ends are tied. The oddest feeling came from looking down at my key ring and realizing there isn’t a single key on it. No car, no mail box, no key to my moms or Bills car. Everything we own in the world is now confined in 44feet of floating life.
This I hope will be a corner stone of my new AA program. And it has never been more important in my recovery than now to have a program of my own. But how exactly will this work? I haven’t the foggiest but I am about to find out. From my first meeting in 1983 I have always had the quiet luxury of being surrounded with hundreds if not thousands of meeting everyday. AA went with me from Federal way to Tacoma to Covington/Black Diamond and then into “the city.” Whenever I couldn’t pull it together to have a strong program of my own I could always borrow yours. Through the love and sharing I have always found what I needed in AA.
So how is it going to work when there isn’t a meeting within hours? HOW: honesty with myself. Especially an honest acceptance that what I am feeling is OK. Excitement, happiness, grief, loss, sad mad or temporarily lost. Open mindedness: open to all those feelings and open to the program that my faith tells me will unfold around me as we travel on. Willingness: to reach out and accept a new way…until it becomes the right way.
You are going to become a part of that. Please write back when and if you can. I plan on adding my thoughts to this blog regularly but will likely only open this blog when we are near civilization. Which means my posts will likely go out in bunches and spurts. Also please pass this on to anyone you know in AA who might be interested in being part of my recovery.
In order to keep being a part of- I have a sense that I need a plan of some kind and the best I can think of is to actively work through the steps again in some kind of orderly fashion. April was Step 1.
We were supposed to leave April 1st so I have had a full month of admitting I am powerless of (fill in the blanks) and my life is unmanageable. Nothing could have been more unmanageable than this last month. Refrigerator panels more than a month late, more projects on a list we could not possibly get through, a boat that was filthy inside and out from the projects and construction all coupled with my combined emotions of excitement and grief. I lived step one this last month. My plan is to focus a step each month so today, May 1st I am diving right in to “came to believe.” I am going to need to hold on to the faith of the program: that God will restore me to sanity, that you are a power greater than me and that neither has disappeared just because I have left the dock. My recovery will never be the same…….but isn’t that astonishingly wonderful?
Kat, aboard S/v Island Bound
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