It is just a few days away from the first of October and officially my birthday month. I have not had a drink since 10/23/2002. Simply fucking amazing. I am looking forward to celebrating the whole month. Birthdays have always been important to me but also somehow egotistical to celebrate for the whole month but it is the way “we” do it. This year I guess it will be even more important to celebrate the month since I am not likely to be at more than a small number of meetings. I hope I stumble into a meeting that does coins because I would love to have my 8yr coin to slide into my life jacket. I have one there already from a friend. It seemed like the prefect place to keep a coin. I no longer own a jewelry box but then again my jewelry box has contained so many coins – AA, NA, treatment center, 24hr coins, plastic fobs, in all my years of success and failure I have always kept my coins. Then we left for good and out went the jewelry box and out when the old coins and mementos.
My birthday month is always a good time to look back and take stock, an inventory of sorts to see where I stand. My numerous failures at recovery have often left me wishing and wondering about the lost years. I tried to add up my sober time while laying in bed recently. Not all in a row mind you but some how since 1983 I have managed to be sober a total of approximately 19 yrs.
19 out of 27 sounds pretty good but it discounts the seven years of hell I have willingly volunteered for again and again. Plus it completely disregards the years than led up to the moment I was first told I was an alcoholic and an addict. I can still remember being admitted to Care Unit of Kirkland. It was all rather hoity toity. They brought orange juice to my bedside table, had a pickle ball court and lovely grounds that i could only stare at while they stuck me in “Jammie Land” for three days of detox.
I was lost and alone, scared and I knew nothing about addiction, recovery or AA. When they did my intake asking me dozens of questions about my past “use” it seemed ludicrous. After all didn’t everyone start using cocaine at 15? Didn’t everyone drink hard liquor by the bottle? So what that I ended up flying off a cliff in a Chevy Malibu the first time I used coke? Whats 40days in traction? Doesn’t every ones friends sneak into the hospital through the ER to help them get stoned while stuck there in that bed? Didn’t everyone drink and use like me.
They told me then I was an early late stage alcoholic. Me? OK,OK, OK, so maybe there was a problem and maybe I needed to quite all those hard drugs. But hell, I had only been drinking legally for less than a year. Surely I could learn to drink like a lady. It never occurred to me that I would have a problem staying clean. After all they made it sound pretty simple. One day at a time. Go to these weird and strange meetings full of ~ugh~ old people and everything will be fine. I didn’t make it 6 months.
Well, hopefully I am able now to see the futility of every thinking that a drink wont hurt me. Two nights ago we were in Twin Harbors. We had just finished dinner at an outdoor restaurant/bar. We had been there before and it was pretty benign. That evening though as i stood in line to get a refill on my diet coke i watched as the bar tender poured a drink. One of those thick, icy drinks. He topped it with whip cream then a floater of Kahlua, a sprinkle of nutmeg and a cherry. I suspect if i could have seen my face in a mirror i would have looked mesmerized, mouth half open, eyes sort of dull and staring as the bartender poured. I snapped out of it in a heart beat and returned to our table.
Now we have had several meals here and it has never hit me this way before. But looking around I saw most of the tables full, everyone else was drinking, Sunday football was on the tv screens and everyone else seemed to be having a great time in the noise and the "fun" of the place. I just quietly said to Bill......"this place is a little too bary can we head back to the boat? So we did. The thing about this that is important for me to look at is that there will be a lot of places I go as we travel along where I need to make a choice. I already know that its not good for me to hang out in slippery places. At home i followed some simple things. I dont order food cooked with alcohol. I dont eat in the bar- I can always wait for a table and I dont hang out with people who drink unless I have a good legitimate reason for being there and even then I always try to plan an out if i need to. After so long maybe you would think it should be easier and your right for the most part I just dont worry about it because I am just not around it.
But this is a new way of life and I will be constantly confronted with new people places and things. For me alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I have no misconceptions. I know that my disease is waiting patiently for me wherever I go. My right mind knows what to do and how to do it calmly and easily. But that is not enough..because sometimes I am not in my right mind.
So it helps to talk about it and it helps to look at it clearly. Plus i went to a meeting last night. Embraced once again into the fold. When I explained what that drink looked like and what my mind went through in that mili second everyone in the room was nodding and um hu-ing. That is where I am at home and where I find the wisdom to remember that it has been a long time since my last drink.
Thanks for listening, hugs, kat
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
9/26 Need a meeting
I have been owly and tense all day. What I really need is a meeting. Unfortunately there isn't one here. At all. Tomorrow, IF Bill doesn't change his mind again we will be in Avalon and they have meetings there. But until then I just feel off. So I came here to write and I wrote a long email to my friend Barbara. This morning I prayed and read half of a grapevine. Plus i picked up a daily devotional on from a pile of used books the other day and I have been reading it each day. It is a 2009 book but i figure if it would work in 2009 it couldn't be so terribly off one year later. And hey it was free! I am still pretty much grasping at straws here trying to stay connected to AA.
I got an invite through LIM (Loners and Internationalists meeting) to join an email meeting. I just joined and it might be a good new addition. Unfortunately it means a lot of stuff in my in box. They are a prolific group. And as much as I appreciate the choice and the chance I am not sure it will work out. For two reasons. 1. When stuff comes in to my inbox I have a hard time not getting involved. So i am compelled to write back. We are actually trying to sort of drop out. That is part of the draw of doing this thing. Already I am spending a great deal of time writing......for two blogs and an ever increasing amount of personal correspondence. It is all good. In fact I am more connected to some of the extended members of my family than before we left. And i am writing to several LIM members and all the rest. 2. Once we leave CA we will be paying for every byte we send and receive. SO I just simply cant have a full box everytime I open my email. I value my emails from friends and family so much that I may have to call it quits with the email AA meeting. They just send out so much stuff.
Well, this was all just a bunch of blathering. Not much of any substance just a way to connect. I miss my regular meetings and I miss the sober women in my life. Night.
I got an invite through LIM (Loners and Internationalists meeting) to join an email meeting. I just joined and it might be a good new addition. Unfortunately it means a lot of stuff in my in box. They are a prolific group. And as much as I appreciate the choice and the chance I am not sure it will work out. For two reasons. 1. When stuff comes in to my inbox I have a hard time not getting involved. So i am compelled to write back. We are actually trying to sort of drop out. That is part of the draw of doing this thing. Already I am spending a great deal of time writing......for two blogs and an ever increasing amount of personal correspondence. It is all good. In fact I am more connected to some of the extended members of my family than before we left. And i am writing to several LIM members and all the rest. 2. Once we leave CA we will be paying for every byte we send and receive. SO I just simply cant have a full box everytime I open my email. I value my emails from friends and family so much that I may have to call it quits with the email AA meeting. They just send out so much stuff.
Well, this was all just a bunch of blathering. Not much of any substance just a way to connect. I miss my regular meetings and I miss the sober women in my life. Night.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
9/17 Lesson: Let go and let God.
Good Morning,
Sometimes I just need to get out of my own way and let God give me what I need. When I sit down to write to you at my AA blog it is starting to feel like it does when I walk into a meeting. That moment of "ahhhhhhh, I am home, in the rooms I call home." I have always loved the way that hits me and it rarely fails to fall over me no matter what meeting I am attending. Now that I am traveling I have a tendency to get excited at the prospect of getting to a meeting. I look forward to being there and look forward to being the one who gets to answer when they ask "is there anyone here from outside the area." Admitting my ego here too because it is highly likely that they are going to be wonderfully welcoming and I get to be the celebrity of the hour. (An alcoholic with an ego who would have thunked."
We are in Avalon, Catalina Island and I was lucky enough to be able to attend a women’s meeting. It was small and personal and I got to keep my ego in check because their format didn’t ask for visitors. During some months they're inundated with visitors and the home group members are few. Perhaps it is a way they have devised to keep the ebb and flow of the fellowship in some equilibrium.. In Alaska they are literally dying for visitors and in Avalon the fellowship may actually be damaged by the over flow. Hmm. Hard to tell.....maybe in fact it is just how it is supposed to be. Anyway, the meeting was small and intimate and like a breath of air to me.
Catalina had been wonderful for us. A great break. With no family and no visitors coming we have been able to really relax. And in that relaxation and pause I received a huge gift. There was a boat on the mooring ball next to us that we spoke to for a few minutes. Liz and Chris. I instantly felt like I wanted to talk with them some more but we had to run off because the dive shop was holding a time to inspect and fill one of our tanks. We didn’t see them later in the day but I was hopeful that we would talk again.
The next morning I woke up and looked out and their boat was gone. Shit. Well, OK, that’s too bad. Later in the morning we headed in to town planning on getting some breakfast and checking for our mail. As we arrived at the dingy dock the two of them were just grabbing an open spot. As we were trying to tie up Liz tried to help and promptly lost her footing on the rolling dock and nearly tumbled into the bay. She managed to stay dry by performing a surprisingly agile dock dismount - stepping into another tied dink rather than falling into the bay. Since I am the grand pooh bah of klutz I instantly adored her. And with that we decided we should definitely go do breakfast.
We talked for hours about boating. Living on boats, working on boats, buying boats , boats, boats boats. Oh and diving and where we live, what we do.............blah, blah, blah. At the end of the visit we were standing on the sidewalk making plans to have dinner on their boat. As we were about to depart they said oh, we have a dry boat so if you want something to drink its BYOB. NO problem.......... the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up.
We met a few hours later and had a wonderful meal and talked for 3 1/2 hours before we all moved to our boat for a tour. As we sat around the table talking it came up in passing. I told them I was in recovery and they both just smiled. They said when we answered them at breakfast about not drinking they figured we were in recovery. Saying there usually are only two kinds of people who answer the way we did.......recovering alcoholics and highly religious people. Since we hadn’t come across as the highly religious types their guess was on fellow AA’ers.
These are the first people I have met in recovery on this trip who came from out of context. They weren’t at an AA meeting and I still found them. Or they found me. And I like them. Really like them. We have so much in common it is sort of spooky.
So the lesson I am learning here, that keeps being placed in front of me is this: When I let my fears over rule I end up in a place of worry and fear that I won’t be able to do this whole sail around the world thing AND stay sober and connected to the fellowship. But if I look for ways to be in recovery where I am, look for ways to carry the message and be of service then God will and does lead me into fellowship. It mostly doesn’t look like it did at home……and it will likely get even more different before it gets to be “normal” but my HP isn’t letting me fall and hasn’t left me out here all alone.
They also dive so right now we are following them to Emerald Bay to spend a few days diving and visiting and sharing a few meals. I am in heaven. I am trying to stay in the moment and appreciate the gift in my lap and not worry about the fact that they will be staying behind in San Pedro while we go on to Mexico. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I need to trust that God will give me what I need. I will make new friends and find all the fellowship I need. All I need to do is be open and willing to carry my own experience strength and hope…the rest is all gravy.
Love, kat
Sometimes I just need to get out of my own way and let God give me what I need. When I sit down to write to you at my AA blog it is starting to feel like it does when I walk into a meeting. That moment of "ahhhhhhh, I am home, in the rooms I call home." I have always loved the way that hits me and it rarely fails to fall over me no matter what meeting I am attending. Now that I am traveling I have a tendency to get excited at the prospect of getting to a meeting. I look forward to being there and look forward to being the one who gets to answer when they ask "is there anyone here from outside the area." Admitting my ego here too because it is highly likely that they are going to be wonderfully welcoming and I get to be the celebrity of the hour. (An alcoholic with an ego who would have thunked."
We are in Avalon, Catalina Island and I was lucky enough to be able to attend a women’s meeting. It was small and personal and I got to keep my ego in check because their format didn’t ask for visitors. During some months they're inundated with visitors and the home group members are few. Perhaps it is a way they have devised to keep the ebb and flow of the fellowship in some equilibrium.. In Alaska they are literally dying for visitors and in Avalon the fellowship may actually be damaged by the over flow. Hmm. Hard to tell.....maybe in fact it is just how it is supposed to be. Anyway, the meeting was small and intimate and like a breath of air to me.
Catalina had been wonderful for us. A great break. With no family and no visitors coming we have been able to really relax. And in that relaxation and pause I received a huge gift. There was a boat on the mooring ball next to us that we spoke to for a few minutes. Liz and Chris. I instantly felt like I wanted to talk with them some more but we had to run off because the dive shop was holding a time to inspect and fill one of our tanks. We didn’t see them later in the day but I was hopeful that we would talk again.
The next morning I woke up and looked out and their boat was gone. Shit. Well, OK, that’s too bad. Later in the morning we headed in to town planning on getting some breakfast and checking for our mail. As we arrived at the dingy dock the two of them were just grabbing an open spot. As we were trying to tie up Liz tried to help and promptly lost her footing on the rolling dock and nearly tumbled into the bay. She managed to stay dry by performing a surprisingly agile dock dismount - stepping into another tied dink rather than falling into the bay. Since I am the grand pooh bah of klutz I instantly adored her. And with that we decided we should definitely go do breakfast.
We talked for hours about boating. Living on boats, working on boats, buying boats , boats, boats boats. Oh and diving and where we live, what we do.............blah, blah, blah. At the end of the visit we were standing on the sidewalk making plans to have dinner on their boat. As we were about to depart they said oh, we have a dry boat so if you want something to drink its BYOB. NO problem.......... the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up.
We met a few hours later and had a wonderful meal and talked for 3 1/2 hours before we all moved to our boat for a tour. As we sat around the table talking it came up in passing. I told them I was in recovery and they both just smiled. They said when we answered them at breakfast about not drinking they figured we were in recovery. Saying there usually are only two kinds of people who answer the way we did.......recovering alcoholics and highly religious people. Since we hadn’t come across as the highly religious types their guess was on fellow AA’ers.
These are the first people I have met in recovery on this trip who came from out of context. They weren’t at an AA meeting and I still found them. Or they found me. And I like them. Really like them. We have so much in common it is sort of spooky.
So the lesson I am learning here, that keeps being placed in front of me is this: When I let my fears over rule I end up in a place of worry and fear that I won’t be able to do this whole sail around the world thing AND stay sober and connected to the fellowship. But if I look for ways to be in recovery where I am, look for ways to carry the message and be of service then God will and does lead me into fellowship. It mostly doesn’t look like it did at home……and it will likely get even more different before it gets to be “normal” but my HP isn’t letting me fall and hasn’t left me out here all alone.
They also dive so right now we are following them to Emerald Bay to spend a few days diving and visiting and sharing a few meals. I am in heaven. I am trying to stay in the moment and appreciate the gift in my lap and not worry about the fact that they will be staying behind in San Pedro while we go on to Mexico. That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I need to trust that God will give me what I need. I will make new friends and find all the fellowship I need. All I need to do is be open and willing to carry my own experience strength and hope…the rest is all gravy.
Love, kat
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
9/7 Ventura
Well I seem to be having a bit of a problem of late. I am overly emotional and all tied in knots over things. Seems that Bill and I are at odds every time I turn around and though I keep making attempts to turn things in a different direction I just keep getting my feelings hurt and or filling up with anger and frustrations.
I called Barbara today which was the best thing i could do. She listened attentively and then gave me some good solid things to look at and think about. It always helps to have someone else give perspective.
It seems that what is happening is a redefining of roles as we move into this new part of our life together. I understand and am clear on the fact that there have been some very significant changes in my life and of course in Bills. And like everything else in the world change takes time. We can acknowledge or not but the truth is change for me and many other alcoholics is difficult. And my life is one long series of changes. Bill and I are really no different its just everything around us. Imagine if you can not shopping at the same store more than once in the last five months. Not buying your gas or a meal or sending out mail. Even when we stay some place a few days it is just long enough to start to feel like we know our way around and off we go.
One the one hand that is part of the experience of being a cruiser and one many levels we have been working towards this for a long time. But on the other hand it sort of keeps you off balance....day after day after day. When i think back to when i moved to Seattle i remember just being frustrated by not knowing where to get my vacuum fixed. Or a heel replaced on a favorite pair of shoes. I even remember driving all the way back to my "old" neighborhood in order to buy my Christmas tree. And boy do I remember years ago when I moved from Tacoma where I had gotten sober to Covington. The AA wasn't bad it just wasn't "right." I kept trying but I kept looking at the differences I guess. That was the beginning of the end for me. Not feeling a part of and being off kilter. Now I do not have to choice. I cant go home to buy my groceries and I am not going to find TLSG here.
So, what can I do? And what is important? First off for me I need to keep praying. And i need to remember that this is not all about me. Bill has his stuff too. Second i think it calls for some focus on gratitude. A conscientious energy to look at the positive. I am the only one who decided my how I am today and how many times I need to restart my day. I am grateful that I was in a place that I could pick up the phone and call someone in the program, and I am even more grateful that it was Barbara and that she was home. Hell she has a frigging broken back......that i don't think in the same linear way as my hubby seems rather trite.
I think I have probably prayed more in the last five m onths than in all of 2009 put together. Hey, that's not a bad deal! And more importantly it seems to come without even pushing. I don't usually even have to think about it- it just comes as a matter of course. That is progress. When i stay in gratitude all the rest sort of fades into the back ground.
SO, that is the end of my rant for the day...I feel batter...hope you do too. xo kat
I called Barbara today which was the best thing i could do. She listened attentively and then gave me some good solid things to look at and think about. It always helps to have someone else give perspective.
It seems that what is happening is a redefining of roles as we move into this new part of our life together. I understand and am clear on the fact that there have been some very significant changes in my life and of course in Bills. And like everything else in the world change takes time. We can acknowledge or not but the truth is change for me and many other alcoholics is difficult. And my life is one long series of changes. Bill and I are really no different its just everything around us. Imagine if you can not shopping at the same store more than once in the last five months. Not buying your gas or a meal or sending out mail. Even when we stay some place a few days it is just long enough to start to feel like we know our way around and off we go.
One the one hand that is part of the experience of being a cruiser and one many levels we have been working towards this for a long time. But on the other hand it sort of keeps you off balance....day after day after day. When i think back to when i moved to Seattle i remember just being frustrated by not knowing where to get my vacuum fixed. Or a heel replaced on a favorite pair of shoes. I even remember driving all the way back to my "old" neighborhood in order to buy my Christmas tree. And boy do I remember years ago when I moved from Tacoma where I had gotten sober to Covington. The AA wasn't bad it just wasn't "right." I kept trying but I kept looking at the differences I guess. That was the beginning of the end for me. Not feeling a part of and being off kilter. Now I do not have to choice. I cant go home to buy my groceries and I am not going to find TLSG here.
So, what can I do? And what is important? First off for me I need to keep praying. And i need to remember that this is not all about me. Bill has his stuff too. Second i think it calls for some focus on gratitude. A conscientious energy to look at the positive. I am the only one who decided my how I am today and how many times I need to restart my day. I am grateful that I was in a place that I could pick up the phone and call someone in the program, and I am even more grateful that it was Barbara and that she was home. Hell she has a frigging broken back......that i don't think in the same linear way as my hubby seems rather trite.
I think I have probably prayed more in the last five m onths than in all of 2009 put together. Hey, that's not a bad deal! And more importantly it seems to come without even pushing. I don't usually even have to think about it- it just comes as a matter of course. That is progress. When i stay in gratitude all the rest sort of fades into the back ground.
SO, that is the end of my rant for the day...I feel batter...hope you do too. xo kat
9/6
Hi,
Bill is sound asleep and snoring while I try and catch up on all my correspondence. It is a lovely sunny day here in palm tree country. We will be here in Ventura for a few days and I hope to be able to find a meeting. I made it to a lovely women's meeting our last night in Santa Barbara. It was good for me to be there amidst a dozen sober women. Most were very new in sobriety if not new to the program. Seems most came from an area halfway house and once again i found myself as one of the "old timers" in the room. That always helps me put my problems and concerns in perspective. I can so easily forget the dark times I had as I struggled my way back into recovery. Treatment center number 4, lock down psych ward number one.
I remember the sound of the door locking and the heavy jangle of keys on the woman's wrist who accompanied me to my room. The bed was a plastic coated mattress on a cement platform. The curtains we perpetually closed and "locked" down so that no one could manage to kill themselves with the drapery. I still smoked then and I needed to wait in line to get a smoke and then stand in the "courtyard" waiting in line for a light since i obviously wasn't in any shape to hold my own lighter. I hadn't thought of that for a long time.
Being here listening to the music wafting from the yacht club party is way better. When i spoke at the meeting I shared that my life was currently so good that I almost felt bad sharing it with the ones in the room who were struggling so. But I could confidently share with them that if they tried to imagine how much better and different their lives will be if they are patient and wait for the miracle they will undoubtedly short change the true possibilities.
I hope you are all well and enjoying the fall....always my favorite time back home. Write any time. I love to hear about how the rest of you are getting through life.
Love, kat
Bill is sound asleep and snoring while I try and catch up on all my correspondence. It is a lovely sunny day here in palm tree country. We will be here in Ventura for a few days and I hope to be able to find a meeting. I made it to a lovely women's meeting our last night in Santa Barbara. It was good for me to be there amidst a dozen sober women. Most were very new in sobriety if not new to the program. Seems most came from an area halfway house and once again i found myself as one of the "old timers" in the room. That always helps me put my problems and concerns in perspective. I can so easily forget the dark times I had as I struggled my way back into recovery. Treatment center number 4, lock down psych ward number one.
I remember the sound of the door locking and the heavy jangle of keys on the woman's wrist who accompanied me to my room. The bed was a plastic coated mattress on a cement platform. The curtains we perpetually closed and "locked" down so that no one could manage to kill themselves with the drapery. I still smoked then and I needed to wait in line to get a smoke and then stand in the "courtyard" waiting in line for a light since i obviously wasn't in any shape to hold my own lighter. I hadn't thought of that for a long time.
Being here listening to the music wafting from the yacht club party is way better. When i spoke at the meeting I shared that my life was currently so good that I almost felt bad sharing it with the ones in the room who were struggling so. But I could confidently share with them that if they tried to imagine how much better and different their lives will be if they are patient and wait for the miracle they will undoubtedly short change the true possibilities.
I hope you are all well and enjoying the fall....always my favorite time back home. Write any time. I love to hear about how the rest of you are getting through life.
Love, kat
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
