9/7 Ventura

Well I seem to be having a bit of a problem of late. I am overly emotional and all tied in knots over things. Seems that Bill and I are at odds every time I turn around and though I keep making attempts to turn things in a different direction I just keep getting my feelings hurt and or filling up with anger and frustrations.
I called Barbara today which was the best thing i could do. She listened attentively and then gave me some good solid things to look at and think about. It always helps to have someone else give perspective.

It seems that what is happening is a redefining of roles as we move into this new part of our life together. I understand and am clear on the fact that there have been some very significant changes in my life and of course in Bills. And like everything else in the world change takes time. We can acknowledge or not but the truth is change for me and many other alcoholics is difficult. And my life is one long series of changes. Bill and I are really no different its just everything around us. Imagine if you can not shopping at the same store more than once in the last five months. Not buying your gas or a meal or sending out mail. Even when we stay some place a few days it is just long enough to start to feel like we know our way around and off we go.

One the one hand that is part of the experience of being a cruiser and one many levels we have been working towards this for a long time. But on the other hand it sort of keeps you off balance....day after day after day. When i think back to when i moved to Seattle i remember just being frustrated by not knowing where to get my vacuum fixed. Or a heel replaced on a favorite pair of shoes. I even remember driving all the way back to my "old" neighborhood in order to buy my Christmas tree. And boy do I remember years ago when I moved from Tacoma where I had gotten sober to Covington. The AA wasn't bad it just wasn't "right." I kept trying but I kept looking at the differences I guess. That was the beginning of the end for me. Not feeling a part of and being off kilter. Now I do not have to choice. I cant go home to buy my groceries and I am not going to find TLSG here.

So, what can I do? And what is important? First off for me I need to keep praying. And i need to remember that this is not all about me. Bill has his stuff too. Second i think it calls for some focus on gratitude. A conscientious energy to look at the positive. I am the only one who decided my how I am today and how many times I need to restart my day. I am grateful that I was in a place that I could pick up the phone and call someone in the program, and I am even more grateful that it was Barbara and that she was home. Hell she has a frigging broken back......that i don't think in the same linear way as my hubby seems rather trite.

I think I have probably prayed more in the last five m onths than in all of 2009 put together. Hey, that's not a bad deal! And more importantly it seems to come without even pushing. I don't usually even have to think about it- it just comes as a matter of course. That is progress. When i stay in gratitude all the rest sort of fades into the back ground.

SO, that is the end of my rant for the day...I feel batter...hope you do too. xo kat